Without delving into likely pointless commentary upon the subject of the current socio-political and cultural status of American Society, and abstaining (for now) from sharing my assuredly polarizing and characteristically scathing observations on such, I instead once more turn inwardly, as is the nature of this blog, and unpack further my thoughts upon self, and the necessary elements of holding myself to a set of standards, what that has entailed and required thus far, and what I expect it to warrant in the future.
By holding myself to a standard, a personal ethic, a code of conduct as it were, I must continually review and reflect upon my behaviour, sometimes in great detail, and in no place do I find greater resolution for such things than with the review and appraisal of relationships, from this, the estimated health and status of relationships, I am able to compare and contrast myself against both others, and of course, myself. Learning from history, allows us to avoid repeating it, at least in theory, if not always (rarely more like) in practice. History may, or may not repeat, but it does make a damnable effort to rhyme, and we as humans, can't help but partake in this symmetry, too many times as passengers, rather than conductors. I for one, aim to change that about myself.
When a relationship ends, in particular when it ends badly, it is laughably, frighteningly easy to fall into one of two distinct but closely related mindsets, both of which sit on the fringe edges of a brutally narrow and exacting continuum within one's own psyche.
The first, is to fall into the role of the victim, and then accuser, to lay the blame at the feet of the other party, to put the bulk of the burden of responsibility upon them, to call them abusive, manipulative, selfish, monstrous in any and/or all ways, to paint a picture of your own weakness as the fulcrum upon which they acted upon, to leverage you into a bad situation, with intent and by design, because doing so allows you to take just a small part of the blame, so as not to open yourself up to proper and fair criticism, thereby insulating yourself from the uncomfortable process of revealing questions directed just a tad too close to yourself and your center, and the truth of the matter that you were, naive or aware or in good faith or in poor desperation, not only a participant, but co-author of the tale of the relationship.
The second, and just as likely, is to fall into the role of the self-aware wretch, and then oppressor, to take the blame upon yourself fully, absolving the other person of any real blame, and to then disparage yourself, bemoaning how terrible and broken you are, decrying your actions and choices with thin explanations, and tales of how twisted and odd you are, and how past inputs have warped you, an already suspect personality, into some vapid and gnarled shade of a person, turning your own shortcomings and weaknesses into the fangs and talons by which you rend and mutilate your way through other personalities, how you are a living repository of venom, poisoning the pure or at least mostly wholesome people you attach yourself too, because, frankly you can't help yourself, and even if you could, you wouldn't want to anyways, and as such, it is only your fault, and not that of the poor fool you wrecked because they were too kind or innocent to get the hell outta your way as you cast chaos and despair across the land, because after all, that allows you to shun total responsibility for your choices, and to not even bother calling into question your own judgement, and it allows you a refrain from pointing out the other person's involvement and responsibility in the relationship.
While both start from a point of reflection, and possibly even a desire to understand the why, they are both terribly narrow, incomplete and unhealthily warped parts of a whole, taken to such extremes as to be utterly useless and hazardous to ones own mental health, growth and wellbeing. I would hope I do not need to expand upon the clear and present dangers such things present to ones own growth, health and development.
In truth, until one can look at a past relationship with the clarity and equity and dare I say, objectiveness to understand that, to borrow a phrase, "it takes two to tango" then the previously stated pitfalls are seemingly inevitable and possibly inescapable, and as such, a feedback loop of detriment will be established, drowning out other possible processes until something internal changes to break or at least alter the cycle.
I humbly posit that until one can have both of the previously explained perspectives, one after the other, if not simultaneously, and then from them, attain a broader, and more fair third perspective, there will come a point where true personal growth is stunted and extinguished.
You are both victim and aggressor, you ARE an active participant in every relationship you have, even by not making a choice, you are choosing, you are not absolved of your responsibility based upon your part played, and by accepting that you are not innocent, you can find the strength and clarity to forgive both yourself, and the other person, which is a freeing process, because that is truly what forgiveness is about; freedom to choose, freedom to heal, and finally, freedom to grow.
By taking this all into account, I believe that one is able to be true to self, by accepting the responsibility of growth, and all of the prerequisites it mandates, you are in fact aiming at the highest good for yourself, and this allows you to aim for the highest good on behalf of others, this empowers you to put good into the world, by setting yourself in order (in some form or fashion) or at least, by pointing yourself towards it, it allows you to challenge not only yourself, but the surrounding order of things, and hopefully for the better, and as such, I think FAILING to do as such, leads rather much to the opposite effect and impact upon self and the world around you.
If I am to remain true to myself, then I must stand against being changed and formed by the outside world, notably for the worse, while taking lessons and examples from the same, to change for the better, if it is at all possible, as it is a core part of that elemental grit, that borderline defiance that has always been a foundational part of me, that stubborness in me that refuses to be broken by others, no matter how deep the cut, how powerful the blow, how pointed the words, or how caustic the accusations.
This all of course hinges upon the understanding, that there are in fact flaws and shortcomings within myself that I should strive to understand, downplay, and above all, remedy, by whatever means I can, even while reinforcing the positive and directing the neutral parts of myself, into something better.
It is a never ending struggle, but accepting that, and accepting the process, allows me a freedom to forge the mindset that I should in fact try, and even endure to see some kind of positive change, so long as I never try to cheat myself by taking the cowards way out. I pride myself on not being a coward. foolish or ignorant I may well be, I do attempt to widen my gaze, and broaden my understanding, now more than ever, having realized that I have at far to many times in the past, taken whatever information and/or knowledge I have, and left it alone, believing it was sufficient and not realizing that it is dynamic rather than static, as few things are set in stone, so to speak, and the things that are, well, that is a tangent for another time...
I close with this observation; difficult as it was for me to accept the terms and circumstances of my divorce, and the end of a ten year relationship with what was, for a long season, my best friend, and my most treasured lover, I can say now, roughly a year after the finalization of the divorce, and the end of communication between myself and her some time later, that I had both of the above mentioned mindsets, I thought of her as a heartless monster, a selfish coward, a user, an exploiter, a liar, and I thought of myself as the monster, the voracious manipulator, the too oft passive fool, and all points in between, and then I happened upon the third and I think more healthy perspective: we were both young, dumb, and very possibly, deep in love, blinded to one another's weaknesses, and later desensitized to each other's strengths, we started strong, but we both became complacent, and did not always do the work of maintaining our relationship, because it felt so easy and natural, to the point that when our deeper hurts started manifesting problems, and other challenges compiled upon us, in conjunction with life and it's inherent challenges, and constant changes, put up a hill to steep for our now anemic relationship. And it was both of our faults. We both pulled away when we should not have, we both became cowardly when we needed to be bold, and we both blamed the other unfairly, without first holding ourselves to account first, and as such, we both blamed the other without recourse or mercy.
The only distinction I can now draw at this time, is that I realized this (abit, too fucking late of course) and made my peace with it, and forgave both myself, and her for this, and even reached out to her and said as much.
I will not pretend to have any great and personal insight into her own status at this time (beyond that which I have had confirmed from other sources), but she has yet to reciprocate as of the date of this writing, and for me and where I sit, that speaks volumes on par to anything she could say or do for or to me at this time.
And it damn near breaks my heart all over again to realize that.
But healed bones are always stronger once they are done re-growing, and besides all of that, if she really was that strong a personality at her core, she never would have allowed either of us to become so weak and break apart to start with.
Cowardice is like that... And I REFUSE to be a coward, thus I write this, thus I challenge myself.
Thus, I remain true to myself.
~Caleb
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