the past, present and future self, pt.2

After an interlude, and having recounted the observations of my person, I now turn towards the analytical observation of who I once was, and attempt to sum the totals from the balance of my former self, as a means to understand and estimate the gross and net gain or loss of my current self, as a prelude to a later estimating of who my future self may end up being.

I make no assumptions that this will be a wholly unbiased or fully accurate accounting, but I do stand upon the premise that anyone or anything truly capable of such is not now nor ever likely to contribute to this blog or my writings as a whole in any direct or meaningful way either now or ever, if such a thing was ever even possible.

To keep this concise, I will only go back some ten years, to who I was when I first started blogging, and then work my way forwards, but where it applies, I will also point further back, where I feel it is necessary for contrast or explanation, as a means to underscore the more impactful changes.

The two most obvious and prominent changes that come to mind, things with which I do count as a loss, but not without compensation of a sorts, are my opinions and ideals regarding the concepts of loyalty, and romantic love, as my perspectives on both have shifted significantly and pointedly due to my experiences in relationships as well as my own deep research into the social, mental, emotional, biological and ultimately psychological motivations and distinctions between people, namely between men and women, but also between possible value systems and ideologies. The potential make up of an individual and what define their motivations and ethical parameters are rather staggering, yet it has also lead to a better understanding of myself, and shone a rather broken yet brilliant light upon others.

To date, I have had my heart broken three times, each time by women, once by a friend who I loved and I easily could have loved as something more, twice by women I loved romantically, one I came to love after entering into a relationship out of lust and desperation, and finally the other I came to love over time out of mutual respect and intellectual attraction.

In each instance my love, and loyalty was betrayed for what are, by my estimation, purely selfish reasons. Social media philosophy and self help inspirational quotes would justify such choices as acts of self preservation, yet the flaw in this is that to easily they can be taken, and rightly so I think, as little more than narcissistic projecting or neurotic deflection of the whole truth, or at the very least, in part, and the rejection of personal responsibility they seem to foster is subtle yet plain.

If nothing else they are a convenient excuse or glib argument to defend such uncivilized and destructive behavior. And while I am not in fact condemning any actual efforts of self preservation, I still maintain that such acts, both legitimate to such ends, and not, cost someone something, and to ignore that fact is truly monstrous.

All of that having been said, it should be of little surprise that my stance on the subject of loyalty is now rather blunt and simplistic: loyalty is a choice, and it should always be earned, refined, and reinforced, constantly so, because it is also a habit, and thus time and labor intensive, as all habits ultimately are.

My stance on love is rather similar, but with a greater focus on the effort and time.

Yet I also submit that for this to be true, an intrinsic value must be placed on such things as this, and this can only truly come about by having a sense of self worth, and sense of value for yourself and who or what you are, and might be.

Jordan Peterson has said time and again that you should, "treat yourself as someone you care about (or value)." And I think he is absolutely right about that, because I have encountered too many people who do not truly care about themselves enough to value much else beyond simple carnal hedonism, and dehumanizing and crass exploitation of others. Such people do not I think, truly value themselves, as such the only value they have is for shallow feelings, or other things external and impersonal, since they cannot manage to value anything else of greater importance, much less another person.

It is I think a more practical and detailed understanding of the golden rule, that which Christ claimed was one of the two greatest commandments, to love your neighbor as yourself. The word he used according to the source text, is the Hebrew word, "Agape" which is partly translated as familiar love, and also as the love of dear friends, as opposed to something like the Greek word "Eros" which is equated with passionate love, desire and even pure biological lust.

English, in it's never ending quest to simplify and consolidate words and meanings in pursuit of efficiency, has long ago merged all possible translations of love, onto a singular word, used interchangeably, and as such, some of the deeper power and meaning has been lost.

More is the pity.

For myself, such a loss is compounded when various forms and meanings of the word collide, becoming muddled into a wondrous and interlinked ideal that I cannot easily parse out into separate things once more, such as what happened with my now failed marriage. Then it becomes a soul rending nightmare, as has been documented elsewhere.

This now results in my ideal of love being far less romantic and mystical, and far more practical and dare I say mathematical.

Intrest + effort + intent x time + commitment - distractions = love

If any part of this formula is moved, left out or changed, the result is not love, or at least it will not start or end as love.

To quote Paul's first letter to the church in Corinth:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT

That sounds like a whole lot of work to me.

It was work I was willing to put in, and then some, and so long as I was receiving the just rewards and benefits of such a relationship and the love therein, I was content to continue on doing my part.

But when there was an imbalance in the relationship, I would suffer under it and attempt to right it as best I could. Until said efforts repelled the other person who had clearly grown to enjoy the flavored status of getting much more out of it than they were putting into it. At which point, betrayal was clearly  the only reasonable end to the relationship. No we can't be fucking responsible adults about it and calmly explain that we have no further interest in prolonging the relationship in a polite or at least straightforward and direct manner person to person. That is asking too much!

It is why my new ideals impose such rigid standards now. It's why I now resolve to cut my losses sooner and not drag out a ending, to prolong and frustrate a parting of ways, be it romantically or otherwise.

I refuse to put myself or others through such agony.

Thus, the naive and romantic youngman I once was, is no more, the cold hard and aloof if gregarious, semi-stoical, ethically pragmatic island I now choose to be as the result.

My former self is now dead, buried under the weight of my foolishness, my sins and the sins of others, gone but not forgotten, a warning for myself and hopefully others against the rigged game, an arrow pointing towards self-respect and truth.

And hopefully, a map that will lead myself towards someone better than I, whom I might one day become.

More on that next time.