But I can't.
No, I can be, but it never lasts more than a few moments.
You never actually made me mad until you left me, all but alone, I never was angry with you, until you snapped and lost your mind, accusing me of something I didn't really do, again.
The last 9 months of our marriage all you did was hurt and scare and disappoint me, made me feel unwanted, unloved, ignored...
But I know now, what I always suspected then, that it wasn't actually your fault, not totally at least, but you do hold some responsibility, because after all, you made the choices that led to the end, not me.
Whatever my failures (and I know them well enough both then, and more so now) I never quit on you.
I faltered, I stumbled, I dropped the ball, time and again, but I by God always kept trying, for you, for us.
I never gave up. NEVER I say!
I know I was not always right, I know I was not always bold enough, I know I didn't always listen, but God how I tired! I never quit. I never stopped. I never gave up... until I couldn't take your poisoned words and choices anymore...
I should have dropped everything, left work and rushed home that night. I should have kicked the door down, and told you the truth, that I loved you with all my heart, but that you were killing me inside, that you were not in your right mind, that something was WRONG and that we were going to get you help and fix it.
Instead I snapped back at you, via text, replying to your selfish cowardly bleating, your hair brained shit test, and told you to go fuck yourself, since you refused to fuck me. Your husband. Your best friend. Your advocate. Your true love...
Booze and meds do warp the mind, just as much as toxic friends and idiot "experts" do, and you? You walked right into the middle of that perfect storm and shit on me. And had the audacity to blame me for it all.
And I fucking let you do it.
And that, above all else, is why, even after I lost all respect for you, I still cared, I still cried, I still worried, and I still love you, even now.
Why I still whisper into the void, even now...
'Come back to me my love... come back... my love... my heart... my... friend... I need you...'
But you never hear me.
You don't want too...
You say you still love me, in your passive aggressive indirect way, but your lack of words, and your actions, say something else entirely.
'Drop dead'
That's all I hear now.
'I'm sorry, the heart you are trying to contact is no longer in existence, try unfucking yourself and never get close to anyone again. If you feel you have gotten this message in error, then stop being a narcissistic selfish cowardly cunt, and call your best friend back, and make up again.'
