Abstaining from both a mathematical and metaphysical attempt at describing time, and the imperfect human perception of it, I now turn my writing attention to the matter of self progress, and the evolutionary development of who, and indeed what I am, as it is in fact, the focal point of these writings, and this very blog. In a few pointed words, this is all abundantly autobiographical.
Please reader, be under no misunderstanding or false conclusions; this is not about you, or others that have been mentioned and discussed previously within, this is one hundred percent, without caveat, without excuse, and with all possible honesty and presence of mind, all about Me, Myself, and I.
The natural proclivity of humanity to progress, is undeniable, as is our confounding penchant to regress, consistently inconsistent, with immeasurable potential, is how I sum up our duality, and it is the only way I can quantify our capacity for both good and evil, and the extremes we are constantly exploring, if the widely published and recorded logs of our history are to be believed, even if only in part.
But rather than focusing upon the broad strokes and planet shaping things, I instead now turn fully inward, to the individual level, to the personal and the signuler thing by which I am the only true authority of, the subject of myself.
They, whomever "they" may be, say to properly tell a story, you must start at the beginning. This is true, because as linear beings, we as humans must frame things as such, we have a fixed point of origin, and a fixed point of conclusion, it is how we view and experience the universe, even when we do not fully understand nor appreciate what this means.
However, in the interest of time, clarity, and being concise, I will be focusing upon the things I have taken note of within myself, and compare them to things others have observed, and seek to render an explanation as best I can, and provide reasoning for myself.
I shall list now, such things in no particular order, and reply as I am able.
Kind,
Arguably the most common observation I have heard, moreso in my younger years than in more recent, I have always struggled with this because I do not fully think myself to be overly or pointedly kind, I have always felt that treating others with some form of basic respect and dignity was only right, if only because it is how I personally prefer to be treated, and so I always have attempted to treat others in this way.
And yet others find it remarkable that I do so.
I still to this day cannot understand why this is so striking a concept to others.
Stalwart,
A much more rare, but as such more pointed an observation that I have always chalked up to my own hardheaded stubbornness and personal decision to at the least, not be weak, if I cannot at all be strong. In my youngest days, weakness was the default setting, as it is for all of us I think, given early embarrassment at others perception of my weakness, I resolved to toughen up and be brave and strong, but the capacity to follow through would come much later, yet in the intervening years, my resolution turned my foundational willingness to always try, into such things, and becoming stalwart in all things, was the result.
Loyal,
It is I think fitting, that when the history and origin of my given name is dug into, the old Hebrew comes to 3 distinct, yet related meanings, incumbent upon the context of the usage of the word. Caleb, (Kay-leb or Ca-leeb) means Gentile or "outsider" as well as "faithful friend" or more the simple "dog" and it is, either ironically or not, one of the more prominent and defining traits I have been both lauded for, and lambasted and punished over.
Loyalty, for me, is a reasonable trait, both selfless and self serving, people who have shown me good will, favor, and kindness, as well as loyalty itself, tend to earn my deeper investment, and my commitment to them, and for myself, the idea of betrayal is anathema of the worst kind, no possible gain of any kind could ever be worth such a thing, the down payment of betrayal is something I am not willing to pay, yet it is also my observation that when I withdraw this from the table, it is a shock to the system for both myself, and others whom have grown accustomed to leaning upon my Loyalty, for both good and ill.
I would point out to such persons, that if or when the time comes where I recant my stated or exampled Loyalty, the question of why becomes rather much central.
It is a question I have only once in my life, heard another ask, and it was done so, to my great disappointment, indirectly.
Brave,
As often as I am accused of being Brave, I am equally confused as to why such an adjective seems fitting.
Bravery is clearly defined as being scared, but finding the will to act anyway, and the simple fact is that it is a rare thing indeed for me to be scared much of anything or anyone.
Foolish or ignorant or even uncaring of any possible danger is how I would qualify myself, needlessly fearless even, which is ironic to me, given how acutely aware of danger and cautious my natural mindset tends to be, yet as a result, I am also by nature canny in picking and choosing when and how I will act, after estimating whatever risk and benefit there is to be had.
I could not in good conscious thought ever attribute myself as being brave, but rather some odd mixture of calculating and reckless, if I had to put a label upon it. "Like a wolf, or a fox" is how I have repeatedly heard others describe it.
Strong,
Once more, as I have previously stated, confusion is my initial reaction to such a comment about me, mostly because I count it as a part of the whole of my person, in conjunction with all of the previously mentioned attributes.
Stalwart, or resolute are the words I would personally use, if not enduring, as I am intimately aware of my capacity to take punishment and to endure the blows life deals, yet I do think to encompass all of this, and see it as the core of who or what I am or may be.
Self serving or even selfegrandizing as it might be, I am proud of myself for being such things, at a base level, even when I am confused when others point it out, as if it was some rare or great thing, or even just a small thing they do not, or cannot see in themselves or others. That actually makes me a bit sad.
Gentle,
This is one attribute that I can and do acknowledge and accept, if only because I take such great pains and efforts to emulate it and behave as such a thing would dictate.
Senseless and pointless destruction or violence bothers me, wastefulness without a goal or a point, even if it is arguably a trivial one, frustrates and disgusts me, so when other people show such an easy acceptance or glib capacity for cruelty or waste, I am repulsed, and emboldened to be gentle and thoughtful.
I also fully believe that the true character of a person, and more so a man, is revealed in how he interacts with anyone or anything that is helpless when put before him.
Monsters, predators really, consume and destroy without thought because it is in their nature to do so.
A civilized, or good person, and again, more so a man, does not.
Charatable,
One of the earliest traits I can recall being observed about me by others, and one I did not fully realize until much later, is how generous and charitable I can be.
When I have a surplus, I find that I dislike hording it, and my natural proclivity crops up, passing on whatever sort of wealth I have, to others who seem to be, or appear to be, in need.
I think this is due to me empathising so readily with others, by thinking about how I would like to be treated, and then exampling it to the people around me.
Kindness rarely costs us more than a little time and effort, and even when it does cost us more, I find that aside from rare exceptions, it is always worth it in the end, for both parties.
Passionate,
Another trait that I have heard mentioned, that I fully accept and embrace, is my ability to have and express great passion, for both things, and people, from art, to my family, to the achievements of others, when something resonates with me, when I take delight in it, I find myself giving more and more of my energies to it, to enjoying it, some times to an excess, and so it is something that I am learning to guard myself in, not to deny myself or the thing, but to protect myself, and even others from my occasional overindulgence in the things I take joy from.
Insightful,
A matter of great internal debate for me, possibly no more than in the recent years of my life, is my ability, or at least my default setting, to analyze and pick apart and theorize and estimate.
A problem solver at heart, I do my best work when things go wrong, but I have also shown an apparent talent for predicting, with some not unreasonable accuracy, things before they happen, even if only in broad strokes.
Even so, recent major events in my life have kept me humble in my efforts, and I am once again, baffled in the comments of others when pertaining to my insight and perspective in things as they happen, or after they happen, or before they happen, yet the observations of my insight still yet abound.
If only I had insight as to why.
Blunt,
And?
Honestly, this is likely one of my most favorite personal traits, if only because of the brutal economy it can afford me, when I find myself dealing with a particularly large subset of personalities in my life, I take solace in my drive to be as honest and direct as possible, if only to save time, if not to dispel any false pretenses or inaccurate premises surrounding any particular situation.
My inclination towards honesty seems to keep me in the habit of being so direct, and given the ever degrading social norms of the last few decades, it seems refreshing to others for me to be so very plain and straightforward.
While I care not if it makes things easier for others, I do admit to understanding why it might simplify things for them, since it simplifies things for me to not sugar coat or obscure things, even if I am reticent to share every single thing I know or think, I am always willing to share some of it, raw, unfiltered and directly.
Caustic,
Sadly, due to the most recent factor, I have also been called unfeeling or caustic towards others.
This is due to the fact that I simply cannot be bothered expend the energy to do more than simply understand how others may think or feel, because I also cannot spare the energy or effort to offend with intent, yet because of this I also know that many times, I come across as caustic or offensive to others when I apply the direct method of which I am most fond, and also when this is taken in conjunction with me total lack of care for how or what others may think.
I simply do not have the time or energy to spare for it, not because I lack empathy, but because my natural level of empathy, is so normatively exhausting for me to corral.
Angry,
This... is complicated, if only because of how intricate a human personality can be, and how convoluted an endeavor (as clearly exampled by this whole blog I think) it is to break down a personality into small, bite sized bits.
I had temper issues in my childhood, which I quickly and rightly became ashamed of, and in my youth and young adulthood, I strove to bring to heel, and as such, I developed a method for managing my anger that is terribly simple; I let it go.
I gripe, or vent my frustrations easily, then move on as if it never happened.
For instances where my anger is truly aroused and awakened, I hold it tightly, and articulate it as carefully and accurately as possible, in the effort to keep it from spilling over or causing damage that might not be easily undone or repaired.
I am not always successful, but I can say with honesty, and more than a little proof, that my failures are far fewer than my successes.
My lack of an arrest record and a clear conscience being the most obvious arguments to support this.
Narcissistic,
This one bothers me greatly.
Mostly, because everyone I've ever known who has leveled this accusation at me, has done so out of two distinct places, that are, I have only just realized at the time of writing this, connected, feeding one into the other, more often than not; projection, and ignorance.
Hypocrisy and self-deception mandate the accusation of another, of the very thing oneself is most guilty of being.
If you are dishonest, then to protect yourself, and hurt another, you MUST accuse them of being a liar.
Part of classical narcissism is most simply defined as casting blame on others for things one has done, which is why I see the accusation of narcissism as a sort of tell or signpost that exposes the heart of my accuser for what or where it is, which is usually a place of need, to feed or soothe the ego, to escape blame for ones own choices and actions, and to claim some level of victimhood where none exists, or to over inflate any or all of the previously mentioned aspects as a method to insulate oneself from consequence.
As I am a staunch believer in personal responsibility, honesty, and do not hold myself in any great esteem, do not lay claim nor seek any grandiose status, and care little for what most others think of me, I cannot fathom any legitimate reason for anyone to honestly accuse me of such behaviour, outside of attempting to distract from their own.
At the very least, I think this is accurate, as I have yet to hear a consistent, logical, and reasonable counterpoint that could be proven by anyone who truly takes the time to know me.
Arrogant,
Another observation of myself that bothers me, if only because I know that there are times that it has been true, I can only say in my defense that I do not wish to ever be arrogant or needlessly prideful of who I am, and that I do try not to overestimate who I am, and finally that I always strive to be honest with myself and my attributes, both good and bad.
Selfish,
Of all the negative observations I have heard about myself, this one seems to me, to be the most contextual, in that much like the previously mentioned narcissistic claim, it always seems to be lobbed at me by someone who is in fact exampling such behaviour towards me, or at the least, as a rebuff to me when I do so rarely show such actions or choices as to indicate a level of self-interest that may inconvenience another, no matter how trivially.
There are a very few things by which I will hold tightly too or readily fight over, and they are things I value highly, and selfish or not, on the rare occasion I do, the question I always ask others at such times is simply "wouldn't you?" and that usually ends the discussion.
Old Fashioned,
For this, I personally take it as a compliment, even though it is mostly used as an insult.
Open minded as I am, I am also honestly, slow to change, and as such I clearly see and understand that sometimes, the old ways are the best, if only because on some basic level, they fucking work, and for me, that's all that matters.
Ignorant,
This is yet another complicated attribute, if only because we are all, as people, ignorante of something, and while my naturally inquisitive mind seeks information and knowledge, no one can possibly know everything, and as such, yes, there are times I am very ignorant, but I am not willfully so, and I am most assuredly not proud of it when I am, and I forever am seeking ways to remedy it when I find it to be true.
Unyielding,
Stiffnecked, willful, stubborn. Yes, I am, and I am well aware of it, and truth be told, I am at times proud of it. Yet I am also aware of when it is the wrong thing to do or be, and as such I do endevor to widen my gaze, and take pains to yield when I find it to be the right thing to do.
Brutal,
I wholly own this, because as I have mentioned before in commenting on previous traits related to this, I am who and what I am, for some very good reasons, and in the end, when I find myself in certain types of conflicts, I hold true to the idea that the most humane, kind and civilized way to handle such events, is to overwhelm my opponent, to attempt to bring the conflict to a quick close, so as to shorten the time of suffering, since I think drawing it out needlessly is masochistic and detestable.
Therefone, when I feel that a situation calls for it, I am brutal, and I do not shy away from this.
Misogynistic,
Realizing that men and women are more alike than not, and that there are in fact distinctions and differences between males and females, and that they are few, yet weighty and very fucking (in every possible application of the word) important, and that as such, they need to be considered and understood, does not mean one should see a gender as superior to another, far from it.
For myself, it only further underscores the idea of "equal but different" and how true that is, and it is why I can say that men are better at some things than women, and vice versa.
Because its very plain that we are meant to fill differing roles at differing times, and that we are meant to compliment one another, rather than compete with one another.
Yet, for some illogical, distasteful, insulting reason that no one has ever been able to articulate for me without the words "hate" or "envy" or "oppression" or "patriarchy" I am somehow labeled as a misogynist by so called "educated" or "enlightened" or "woke" individuals for my admittedly old fashioned yet upgraded views.
Too bad I can't be bothered to give even half a fuck.
Childish,
What is the point of being an adult if you cannot sometimes be a little childish?
Given levels of maturity I've been accused of since I was 12, I honestly am incapable of commenting further on this observation.
Cruel,
Usually partnered "Brutal", "Selfish", or "Angry" I don't think I need to comment further on this beyond the following: "I only treat others as they treat me, after I grow tired of my efforts to do better have been ignored."
Such is what others have said of me, and how I would reply to them, here and now.
This having all been said, I end now with this: I now, and for some time, have always had in mind, the higher good, for myself, and for others, and in more recent years, I have endeavored to behave in such a fashion as to grow the positive and shrink the negative traits that I have observed, yet I do not claim to have any advantage in doing so over anyone else, I'm just doing good to work on me, even as I estimate and appraise others, I have learned not to compare myself today, to someone else tomorrow, but rather to seek to be better than myself yesterday.
If you take this as in insult, then I must clarify that it is wholly upon you to bear that burden, I'm doing good just to carry my own.
