Previously (Entry "Counting the cost" March 25th, 2020) I spoke at length of how everything costs someone something, and ended with a warning about manipulators and the damage they can and do reak upon oneself, and how much more so in times of high stress and trauma, but I also noted that I was getting ahead of myself.
As I am somewhat terrible at transitions and segways, and am still to this day, just as terrible at eloquent starts to any sort of entries of importance, I will now simply dispense with any and all norms and jump face first into the subject.
Manipulators are some of the worst, lowest and most wretched people in the world. Rapists and bullies at the very least, have the indecency to be direct and blunt, more often than not, but manipulators are snakes, slithering about unseen whenever possible, ambushing others for their own selfish ends, twisting things at every chance to make them not as they are or could be, but into what they want them to be, and most often than not, without any more investment that a little bit of effort and time, almost always less than that which others put into things, in this way, manipulators are like thieves, stealing away noble or at least ambivalent intent, all for themselves, with little genuine thought for others, in any way shape or form.
In the book of Solomon's Proverbs, around the halfway point of the 6th chapter, the second half of verse 19 notes that of the 6 things God hates, there is a 7th that is an abomination, or is something he finds especially evil or displeasing (translations vary) but the New Living Translation, a newer interpretation version of the Bible intended to be read aloud and to foster discussion, phrases this most hated thing as such: "a person who sows discord in a family."
Some translations denote "family" as literally siblings, while others seem to suggest a more broad based interpretation that would include dear friends, or a close, intimate association of some kind.
Both the context and content of the passage does not lend to anything more exact, but the implied truth is clear: people who stir up conflict between others are pieces of shit and should be treated as such.
Okay, maybe not that exactly, but to be fair, it is mentioned latter on in Chapter 12 as well, and even then, it seems to be the old Hebrew method of repeating something important to highlight it, yet in the old traditions, what more should or could a human do than to hate that which God hates?
Without derailing into some socio political religious debate, let us back off of the spiritual aspect for a moment and take a more wholly human perspective at the premise and reflect.
Who do you dislike more than a trouble maker?
That person who says and does things, just to get a reaction?
That person who gossips, who provokes?
That person who prods, pokes and who lies?
How much anger do you feel towards someone who is clearly manipulating people and circumstances around you, just to spark off drama?
Who do you dislike more than someone who is constantly pitting others against you?
Who is more hated than a confirmed exploiter or manipulator?
I rest my case.
Looking back, I can recall a comment made by some TV preacher, when he spoke about doing the right thing in the face of temptation, he said that sin, might be fun for a while, but it will take you farther than you want to go, and make you pay more than you ever want, and cost you more than you can afford, and that the only sure fire way to avoid it, is to shun temptation, and that the most tried method he was aware of, was embarrassing sin and temptation at every opportunity.
After all, people doing what they should not, tend to try and hide it from others, to avoid firstly, embarrassment, and next, to avoid the consequences of their actions and words.
But as I have previously stated, everything costs someone something.
But manipulators, seek to gain, without paying the piper, and mercy upon they who find themselves either the victim of the manipulation, or the one who ends up paying the cost of the ill willed endeavor.
The why of manipulation, boils down to the above; meaningful gain without meaningful sacrifice, the how, matters little in the end, but the mechanics almost always involve deception, either from pointed lies of omission, or direct lies and all forms there of, from minor bending of the truth, to excuses, to outright falsehoods.
This is all just a matter of spin, of framing, of casting the light, or rather the perspective, so to speak, in such a way that a forgone conclusion is reached, without any consideration of an alternate, or wider viewpoint of the subject.
One of the skills I have long sought to develop, is the ability to consider or understand, alternative viewpoints to my own, and it was a seeming talent my ex wife had in spades, so much that I had taken note of it early on in our relationship, before the romance ever blossomed, and I held great respect for her seemingly effortless penchant for considering the wider perspective, or perspectives opposed to her own, and yet it was a tool that she would apparently abandon much later in our time together, much to our mutual detriment, and it led in part I think, to the eventual choices she made that contributed greatly to her acting in such a fashion as to end in the ending of our marriage, and the death of a ten year relationship.
I say that not to absolve myself of my own burden of responsibility, which I gladly take up, and take ownership of, my mistakes were not few, and some were, in hindsight, rather damaging hurtful, but to underscore the possible kinds of damage that a manipulator can bring to bear, we must first accept the idea that a manipulator is first and foremost, a cheat, and a thief.
At a later point here, I will try to explain this in relationship to my divorce.
Having such a capacity to widen your gaze, is quite the tool to wield against manipulators, alongside a healthy dose of skepticism, and any or all insight into the motivations or choices of other people. Sad to say, but innocent naivety is very much a handicap, as is being too free and easy with your trust or good will, and being far to focused inwardly will many times also yield the same kind of result.
As far as I can see, it is these very things a manipulator will seek out, and use as a fulcrum to leverage their will against you, it is such things seen as weakness that will invite their input as a means to achieve their own goals, whatever they may be.
It is no surprise to me that the most effective manipulators tend to fall into one of two base categories; either as a trusted person who is as of yet, shockingly, still unproven or barely tested, or as the so called candid outsider offering another perspective on a matter.
While both can be useful, if they are honest that is, care must be taken to weigh the input carefully, and should you be so lucky as to have others whom have been proven, and have consistently demonstrated they have your best as a priority, you should test potential manipulators against them, compare and contrast what is said and done, and see where the discrepancy lies, and act accordingly.
What is more, the shocking thing that I observe, is that both types of manipulators feature heavily in works of fiction, either as a primary antagonist, or as a needed secondary player, serving to string along the story as is needed, and rare it is, to see such a character portrayed with any real subtly. That is perchance, why so few people recognize such bad actors in real life, because they are looking for the wrong clues. Neon flashing danger signs, and bold, brightly colored warning labels are so rarely found above other peoples heads. How inconvenient.
I have observed that the most destructive of manipulators, are they who prey upon people with an underdeveloped, or ill defined sense of self, and who themselves, as manipulators, are terribly displeased with their own selves, or envious of others, driven by some selfish, childish notion of what is "fair" or what they "deserve" or some other sort of entitlement mindset that provokes a twisted and destructive course, causing them to forgo any legitimate sense of personal responsibility, beyond that of getting something they want, no matter how petty, by whatever means they can manage.
Such people are to be avoided at all costs, and if you are unable to do that, then they should be exposed, embarrassed, lambasted and put in their proper place, which is to say, in the category of a petulant idiot child.
Manipulators are in many ways, petulant idiot children after all, they behave the way they do, because they must have things their own way, and they are perfectly willing to do or say whatever they must to get it. This basial selfishness is of course very childish and destructive, it serves little else but the gratification of self, at the cost of all around them, and rare is it the manipulator who is aware enough to regret the wider impact of their choices, words, actions and the consequences that follow, only when it costs them something do they show any sort of true remorse, and even then, it is because they got caught, and not because they have wronged others.
People with a sense of moral or ethical pragmatism, who endeavor to improve themselves and the world around them, would do well to give such immature persons a wide berth.
What is even more disturbing, is that they justify their behaviors, choices, words and actions by using legitimate ideals or methods inappropriately, hijacking them as a means to deflect blame onto others, especially in the realms of exploitation and abuse.
Case in point; "Libby" as she called herself online, befriended my exwife some year and a half before the divorce, meeting, much as I and my exwife did, in a roleplay and writing forum online, and at first it was innocent enough, someone who shared a passion for story telling, and had both the time and motivation to engage in such on a level I was at that point, incapable of continuing with any consistency. The fact that she was pleasant towards me, and that both she and my exwife were open about their writing together, sharing much of it with me, only seemed to underscore the benefit of the relationship.
My then wife was feeling lonely, the very few friends she had made upon her return to college life, had left her for other things, moving to other schools, joining clubs, or just dropping her off as a social outlet at school. It was hurtful for me to watch, as I'm certain it was for my exwife to experience first hand, yet in "Libby" was a ray of hope, and after two or three other online friends had done much the same as her classmates, I was thankful for the help in supporting the frail and underdeveloped sense of self and of worth in my now former best friend and lover.
How blind I was to the dangerous series of events I was inadvertently allowing my marriage to be driven towards.
Now I must reiterate, I know where and how I dropped the ball (repeatedly in fact) in regard to my marriage, I know exactly what I did, and did not do, apart from the influence of "Libby" and the foibles and frailties my exwife Kristen, I knew in vague terms that I was struggling, and was starting to fail her, but I had little idea how to change things, or how to fix it, and the day to day struggles of work, school, money, bills and such, was very much big and ugly in my world view. It was the great dragon looming on the horizon, impending death creeping ever closer.
True to form, I dug in deep and kept telling myself and my then wife, that the struggles were temporary, that things would improve if we just kept pushing forward, and working towards something better, and, I would expect that I was right, but what I failed to realize then, was that we would only get there if we were both pulling in the same direction. Or if one or both of us was not tripped up or ensnared in some trap along the way.
If only, if only, if maybe or just...
It was not until sometime around the middle point between Kristen meeting "Libby" and our eventual divorce, that I realized I had missed something, and that things were going wrong. However, I'm rather much sure they both would argue that by that stage, it was past the point of no return. And maybe so, but as much as I'm an Ethical Pragmatist, I'm first and foremost, a Pragmatic Optimist. If there is an even or better than chance of success, I'm by god going for it.
What I did not account for, something I estimate I took for granted, was the arrested development of my exwife's self esteem and sense of self altogether. I had always encouraged her, built her up, told her good things about her that I liked, and gently pointed out things she might work on. I made sure to assign value to her as a person, and not just her looks, I repeatedly reassured her that while I thought she was physically attractive, which even now I cannot deny she is, or was, I was much more attracted to her the person, her character, her skills, talents and her potential. Which was all true, but what I failed to properly convey, was that it was her in her entirety, as a talented writer, a humorous personality, a trusted friend AND as a physically desirable woman, that I was attracted to her, as I could not parse out any one from the other.
Helpful this may have been, but I see now in hindsight, that she did not always take it as it was meant to be, motivation and encouragement, but rather increasingly, took it as a crutch, and then later, for reasons I only partly assign to negligently prescribed psychotropic drugs, as criticism and then finally, as threats.
The rest of the blame, I assign, to straight up, narcissistic codependent manipulation, at the hands of both her mother, to a lesser extent, and to "Libby" to a much larger by far extent.
More on the nuts and bolts of THAT, next time.
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