A needed notation

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
~W. C. Fields

It behooves me at this time, to change gears, thus addressing and making a note of a much more personal factor and observe pointedly, as I am wont to do, in scathing and direct fashion, an observation and comment made about my personage that I find to be completely entertaining, baffling, and above all telling.

For any who have followed my random musings and commentaries over the years, both in person and online, and to any who claim to know me, the point of character I am speaking of is that of thinking that I know everything or that I am always right, or that I am somehow in any other factor, above or better than others around me.

I have never made any such claims, directly or otherwise.

Yet the stated perceptions, both vague and implicit, abound, pointing towards a level of narcissism, hypocrisy, obsession, sociopathic and abusive tendencies, that are frankly staggering and more befitting some sort of dictator or supervillain, fictional or otherwise.

I can assure you, I have not the energy, time nor inclination to entertain trying even half of the shit attributed to me.

I can also assure you that I am more than vaguely aware of my own foibles, failings and shortcomings, as taking responsibility for and understanding them so that I might remedy them, has been a priority of no small stature for a large portion of my adult life. As to the effectiveness of my efforts, I will freely admit that I have had mixed results at best, and ineffective results at worse.

I say this because of the insight I have into how people react and respond to me, and because of my hard earned understanding on how many people operate, and their reactions to myself and the impact I have upon them. While I no longer put any weight into the opinions or perceptions others will have of me, I am not unaware of the possible importance of them, nor am I blind to how I might effect them, but again, simply put I have not the time or energy to worry myself with others opinions of me.

In the situations where I cared or made it a priority to expend the time and effort on the feelings, thoughts and opinions of others in relation to myself, there was zero gain to be had, and in fact, on more than one occasion, doing so cost me jobs, relationships, my reputation and even my own health and sanity.

This is not to say that I put no importance into what some people think of me, it is just that I have made the list of such persons very small, and in recent months, smaller still.

In the context of females (girls more than women in my personal experience) that I have had relationships with, a level of projection is observed that is both self projection, and the projection of an ideal or preconceived notion that I find intriguing and even at times alarming, when as opposed to males I have had relationships with, any projection is usually of preference or subconceous self examination.

This is not to say that the inverse has not happened or is untrue, but such things are, in my observation at least, rare.

In this, a level of justification, often shoddy and self-serving, is the only reasonable explanation I have come across for the kinds of things others have said, or think of me, post-relationship. This of course can only be viable if one is projecting their own weaknesses and actions upon another, and yes it is something I myself have suffered from and done in the past, but in my more recent years I have refrained from doing so, with great effort and ethical intent as a means to be more honest with myself and others.

A large part of that is taking personal responsibility for my choices, words and actions.

It is why, for me, everything comes back around to that point.

It saddens me greatly to look at people I have respected and cared for, in the most recent and potent case my ex-wife, and observe or reason out that they have come up against their own frailty, and succumbed to it, and further still that the only way they can address it, is to throw their conclusions at me, as if it was I that had committed such failings and inflicted myself upon them in such a selfish way.

While I do not claim to have always been the most noble and upstanding person in all of my interactions, I do claim to have a level of self-awareness sufficient enough to take responsibility for whatever I have done, and whenever possible to make amends for any wrongs I have committed.

That having been said, I am still me, and as such, once I have done all of the above, I refuse to accept any further abuse or to facilitate any further wrong from being perpetrated against me, and will resort to the most primitive of communication humanity has ever devised, blunt force trauma, be it via language or actual physical exchange.

I am no ones punching bag, be it emotionally, intellectually, or physically.

I have more than enough on my plate trying to unfuck myself and be a better person, aiming for the higher good, I need not borrow the damage and handicaps others may foist upon me, either with intent, or by matter of inadvertent ignorance.

Say what you will about me for this, if it is not already abundantly clear, I simply don't have it within me to give a fuck.

You may call me whatever you will, but I will only ever answer to my name, uttered by they whom I recognize as worthy of a response.

That is, rightly I think, an ever shrinking list.