On the dangers of manipulation, being manipulated and manipulators, Pt. 2

As previously submitted, manipulators, are garbage human beings who seek meaningful gain, without meaningful sacrifice, they are cheats, liars and thieves attempting to rig the universe, or at least their own little part of it, to produce a prefered outcome, and everyone else be damned to pay the bill in their place.

None is more so manipulative against nature and humanity, than the oedipal mother, and no single trait betrays one so clearly for me, than the codependent mother. My exwife's mother, Angie, is one of the more manipulative and codependent personalities I have ever encountered. If I had been smarter, wiser or paying more attention at the time of meeting her, I might have been more hesentent in marrying her daughter, my now exwife Kristen, or more proactive in addressing the baggage that was dumped upon me when I did marry her.


In a codependent relationship, one or both parties, has become in part, or in whole, fully reliant upon the other for any and everything from validation, to moral guidance and even for decision making, but it is not limited to this, not by a long shot.

The most common dynamic that I personally have observed however, is more along the lines of one person becoming dependent upon the other for filling a role better suited for themselves, or another all together, thus relegating the other person to the role of something akin to an emotional tampon, or even host brain, or any other number of destructive and harmful things.

Born of an apparent failure to self-regulate, the dependent person becomes manipulative, exampling abusive tendencies, seeking to isolate the other person from others, reinforcing desired behavior with possibly inauthentic praise, with the derision of others within the targets life, relying very much on the stick and carrot method, many times leaning hard into one or the other, manifesting in undue and lavish rewards on the one end, and rampant unearned punishment on the other.

In the case of my exwife, she was and/or is closely connected to two other women, who example both ends of this behaviour, and it chills me from teeth to toes to realize that she has embraced both fully as normal and healthy, while rejecting my more authentic and less damaging efforts to the contrary, wholly under the pretext of abuse by way of an unreasonable and unsustainable if not impossible expectations as set forth by the two previously mentioned women, and their negatively charged opinions on men.

All of this, from the vapid example of her mother, to the well cloaked manipulation and isolation of her new so called "best friend" warped her perceptions (in equal measure with the SSRI's she gladly became addicted too) to the point that any and all aspects of my behaviour was now repulsive to her, and laid the groundwork for her choice of pretext for legal action, against myself and our marriage. 

All ignoring the fact that my expectations for the marriage and the behaviour therein, never really changed all that much in tone, and effort if not in quality and time.


On the one side, her mother, childish, idealistic and naive selfish narcissist that she is, favored the stick, for any and all slights both real and imagined, and even for the slights and wrongs of other people. Ranting, berating, guilt trips, flippantly changing her commitments, going back on her word, and consistently outrageous yet repeatedly proven hollow threats abounded throughout my exwifes childhood and formative years, if even half of what Kristen told me is remotely true, and given my own personal interactions and observations of Angie, her mother, they are damned well more than half accurate.

The casual disregard for the impact one has on the world around them, to the point even of shock when such is blatantly pointed out to you, is one of the biggest and most obvious red flags for narcissism that I have personally come across. Another is the inability to see any wrong in your choices and actions to the point of blaming others for their reactions to you. And my exwifes mother displayed these behaviours almost constantly, to the point of having her in tears, crying her eyes out in the fetal position, and/or questioning why she was so despised by her own mother, on more than one occasion. And yet dearest mothers reactions to such, when she bothered to even register them, was damn near psychopathic, if only lacking any violence but not any passive-aggressive manifestations. 

Needless to say, at one point, about half way through our marriage, I had more than a belly full of that, and finally confronted Angie over it. The result was a begrudging compliance with her previously promised commitment, which was then just as quickly rescinded in a flash of egotistical outrage at a simple misunderstood comment, not even meant for her.
The damage done by that event, was I think, one of a few pointedly catastrophic moments of utter betrayal that, in hindsight, likely did permanent damage to my exwifes frail psyche yet, and provoked one of the strongest emotive reactions I've ever had.

After that, I pushed to cut all ties with the woman, and, if I am honest, the family as a whole, to the point I even put a referendum on all contact between the two, barring any dialogue where I was not listening in or openly a part of the exchange for a long season.

I only wish I had done more to hold fast to such for longer, because that might have saved my marriage, or at least delayed the ending of it.

On the other side, "Libby" or Erinn as her given name was later found to be, all carrot, no stick, sweet honeyed words, gentle but robust encouragement, a pretty dusting of glitter over a spoon full of sugar laden poison. 

"Progressive" one might say. Regressive, disdainful and selfish I say.
Any woman who would openly mock or degrade or undercut her partner, and more so if her partner is a man, will have zero qualms about talking all kinds of mad shit, true or not, about another woman's partner, all while disguising it as "just my opinion" or worse yet, "the fact of the matter is" fill in the blank, with whatever form or fashion of heavy handed anti-testosterone, post-modern feminist garbage and filth you could dare to conjure up or recall.

Either in long form, or short, be it gentle and subtle like a feather duster, or point blank brutal like a shotgun blast, the man, is the enemy, the oppressor, the abuser, the destroyer, the darkness, chaos and evil. Even if he is not, even if struggles and wars within himself day after day not to be, even if he risks his reputation his life, spends his time, gives up his vices, his wants and dreams for the betterment of others.

"Libby" was like a cancer in our marriage, benign at first, but soon, malignant, and then rampant, consuming and hording Kristen's attention away from me, leveraging circumstances and half baked ideas and pseudo intellectual drivel and hollow feel good pinterest posts and facebook wisdom against me.

Maybe she really does care, but is blind to her own selfish motivations, maybe it was all a game to her, a test of her skills and cunning, maybe it was an attempt to live vicariously through another, to see someone else get what you cannot. Maybe it was all of the above, or even something else.

A woman with a terrible relationship with her own mother, who holds her father or brothers or husband in disdain, who bemoans the loss of her freedom because she can't keep her dammn legs closed and now has crotch trophies that suck the youth and life from her, who despises or fears any sort of example of authentic masculinity, in all of its imperfections and necessity, is no one to put trust in.

How much less so when she is codependent, needing validation from another, who is maybe no better off than her.


What I find most ironic of all, is how starkly similar, Angie and Erinn are, and I don't just mean the darkly funny way they literally look and sound so much alike, but in the words they use, the passive-aggressive personalities, and the vile manipulations they use to get what they want, which is of course, at its core, what ALL females want, attention, and the fact that they are more than willing to tolerate BAD attention, as well as to give it, with little apparent care to the wider possible impact they have on others.

It goes back to selfishness, and the statistically higher levels of neuroticism females suffer from, and how that clashes within themselves with the overriding need for validation, and the genetic drive to take from others and produce something themselves.

But that is another thread of thought that requires a segway I don't actually have right now.

And more to the point, it is a premature transition away from this subject.

But the conclusion, follows after.



Stay tuned.

On the dangers of manipulation, being manipulated and manipulators, Pt. 1

Previously (Entry "Counting the cost" March 25th, 2020) I spoke at length of how everything costs someone something, and ended with a warning about manipulators and the damage they can and do reak upon oneself, and how much more so in times of high stress and trauma, but I also noted that I was getting ahead of myself. 

As I am somewhat terrible at transitions and segways, and am still to this day, just as terrible at eloquent starts to any sort of entries of importance, I will now simply dispense with any and all norms and jump face first into the subject. 

Manipulators are some of the worst, lowest and most wretched people in the world. Rapists and bullies at the very least, have the indecency to be direct and blunt, more often than not, but manipulators are snakes, slithering about unseen whenever possible, ambushing others for their own selfish ends, twisting things at every chance to make them not as they are or could be, but into what they want them to be, and most often than not, without any more investment that a little bit of effort and time, almost always less than that which others put into things, in this way, manipulators are like thieves, stealing away noble or at least ambivalent intent, all for themselves, with little genuine thought for others, in any way shape or form.

In the book of Solomon's Proverbs, around the halfway point of the 6th chapter, the second half of verse 19 notes that of the 6 things God hates, there is a 7th that is an abomination, or is something he finds especially evil or displeasing (translations vary) but the New Living Translation, a newer interpretation version of the Bible intended to be read aloud and to foster discussion, phrases this most hated thing as such: "a person who sows discord in a family."

Some translations denote "family" as literally siblings, while others seem to suggest a more broad based interpretation that would include dear friends, or a close, intimate association of some kind.
Both the context and content of the passage does not lend to anything more exact, but the implied truth is clear: people who stir up conflict between others are pieces of shit and should be treated as such.

Okay, maybe not that exactly, but to be fair, it is mentioned latter on in Chapter 12 as well, and even then, it seems to be the old Hebrew method of repeating something important to highlight it, yet in the old traditions, what more should or could a human do than to hate that which God hates? Without derailing into some socio political religious debate, let us back off of the spiritual aspect for a moment and take a more wholly human perspective at the premise and reflect.

Who do you dislike more than a trouble maker?

That person who says and does things, just to get a reaction?

That person who gossips, who provokes?

That person who prods, pokes and who lies?

How much anger do you feel towards someone who is clearly manipulating people and circumstances around you, just to spark off drama?

Who do you dislike more than someone who is constantly pitting others against you?

Who is more hated than a confirmed exploiter or manipulator?

I rest my case.

Looking back, I can recall a comment made by some TV preacher, when he spoke about doing the right thing in the face of temptation, he said that sin, might be fun for a while, but it will take you farther than you want to go, and make you pay more than you ever want, and cost you more than you can afford, and that the only sure fire way to avoid it, is to shun temptation, and that the most tried method he was aware of, was embarrassing sin and temptation at every opportunity. After all, people doing what they should not, tend to try and hide it from others, to avoid firstly, embarrassment, and next, to avoid the consequences of their actions and words.

But as I have previously stated, everything costs someone something.

But manipulators, seek to gain, without paying the piper, and mercy upon they who find themselves either the victim of the manipulation, or the one who ends up paying the cost of the ill willed endeavor.

The why of manipulation, boils down to the above; meaningful gain without meaningful sacrifice, the how, matters little in the end, but the mechanics almost always involve deception, either from pointed lies of omission, or direct lies and all forms there of, from minor bending of the truth, to excuses, to outright falsehoods.
This is all just a matter of spin, of framing, of casting the light, or rather the perspective, so to speak, in such a way that a forgone conclusion is reached, without any consideration of an alternate, or wider viewpoint of the subject.

One of the skills I have long sought to develop, is the ability to consider or understand, alternative viewpoints to my own, and it was a seeming talent my ex wife had in spades, so much that I had taken note of it early on in our relationship, before the romance ever blossomed, and I held great respect for her seemingly effortless penchant for considering the wider perspective, or perspectives opposed to her own, and yet it was a tool that she would apparently abandon much later in our time together, much to our mutual detriment, and it led in part I think, to the eventual choices she made that contributed greatly to her acting in such a fashion as to end in the ending of our marriage, and the death of a ten year relationship.

I say that not to absolve myself of my own burden of responsibility, which I gladly take up, and take ownership of, my mistakes were not few, and some were, in hindsight, rather damaging hurtful, but to underscore the possible kinds of damage that a manipulator can bring to bear, we must first accept the idea that a manipulator is first and foremost, a cheat, and a thief.

At a later point here, I will try to explain this in relationship to my divorce.

Having such a capacity to widen your gaze, is quite the tool to wield against manipulators, alongside a healthy dose of skepticism, and any or all insight into the motivations or choices of other people. Sad to say, but innocent naivety is very much a handicap, as is being too free and easy with your trust or good will, and being far to focused inwardly will many times also yield the same kind of result. As far as I can see, it is these very things a manipulator will seek out, and use as a fulcrum to leverage their will against you, it is such things seen as weakness that will invite their input as a means to achieve their own goals, whatever they may be.

It is no surprise to me that the most effective manipulators tend to fall into one of two base categories; either as a trusted person who is as of yet, shockingly, still unproven or barely tested, or as the so called candid outsider offering another perspective on a matter. 

While both can be useful, if they are honest that is, care must be taken to weigh the input carefully, and should you be so lucky as to have others whom have been proven, and have consistently demonstrated they have your best as a priority, you should test potential manipulators against them, compare and contrast what is said and done, and see where the discrepancy lies, and act accordingly.

What is more, the shocking thing that I observe, is that both types of manipulators feature heavily in works of fiction, either as a primary antagonist, or as a needed secondary player, serving to string along the story as is needed, and rare it is, to see such a character portrayed with any real subtly. That is perchance, why so few people recognize such bad actors in real life, because they are looking for the wrong clues. Neon flashing danger signs, and bold, brightly colored warning labels are so rarely found above other peoples heads. How inconvenient.

I have observed that the most destructive of manipulators, are they who prey upon people with an underdeveloped, or ill defined sense of self, and who themselves, as manipulators, are terribly displeased with their own selves, or envious of others, driven by some selfish, childish notion of what is "fair" or what they "deserve" or some other sort of entitlement mindset that provokes a twisted and destructive course, causing them to forgo any legitimate sense of personal responsibility, beyond that of getting something they want, no matter how petty, by whatever means they can manage.

Such people are to be avoided at all costs, and if you are unable to do that, then they should be exposed, embarrassed, lambasted and put in their proper place, which is to say, in the category of a petulant idiot child.

Manipulators are in many ways, petulant idiot children after all, they behave the way they do, because they must have things their own way, and they are perfectly willing to do or say whatever they must to get it. This basial selfishness is of course very childish and destructive, it serves little else but the gratification of self, at the cost of all around them, and rare is it the manipulator who is aware enough to regret the wider impact of their choices, words, actions and the consequences that follow, only when it costs them something do they show any sort of true remorse, and even then, it is because they got caught, and not because they have wronged others.
People with a sense of moral or ethical pragmatism, who endeavor to improve themselves and the world around them, would do well to give such immature persons a wide berth.

What is even more disturbing, is that they justify their behaviors, choices, words and actions by using legitimate ideals or methods inappropriately, hijacking them as a means to deflect blame onto others, especially in the realms of exploitation and abuse. Case in point; "Libby" as she called herself online, befriended my exwife some year and a half before the divorce, meeting, much as I and my exwife did, in a roleplay and writing forum online, and at first it was innocent enough, someone who shared a passion for story telling, and had both the time and motivation to engage in such on a level I was at that point, incapable of continuing with any consistency. The fact that she was pleasant towards me, and that both she and my exwife were open about their writing together, sharing much of it with me, only seemed to underscore the benefit of the relationship.
My then wife was feeling lonely, the very few friends she had made upon her return to college life, had left her for other things, moving to other schools, joining clubs, or just dropping her off as a social outlet at school. It was hurtful for me to watch, as I'm certain it was for my exwife to experience first hand, yet in "Libby" was a ray of hope, and after two or three other online friends had done much the same as her classmates, I was thankful for the help in supporting the frail and underdeveloped sense of self and of worth in my now former best friend and lover.

How blind I was to the dangerous series of events I was inadvertently allowing my marriage to be driven towards. Now I must reiterate, I know where and how I dropped the ball (repeatedly in fact) in regard to my marriage, I know exactly what I did, and did not do, apart from the influence of "Libby" and the foibles and frailties my exwife Kristen, I knew in vague terms that I was struggling, and was starting to fail her, but I had little idea how to change things, or how to fix it, and the day to day struggles of work, school, money, bills and such, was very much big and ugly in my world view. It was the great dragon looming on the horizon, impending death creeping ever closer.
True to form, I dug in deep and kept telling myself and my then wife, that the struggles were temporary, that things would improve if we just kept pushing forward, and working towards something better, and, I would expect that I was right, but what I failed to realize then, was that we would only get there if we were both pulling in the same direction. Or if one or both of us was not tripped up or ensnared in some trap along the way.

If only, if only, if maybe or just...

It was not until sometime around the middle point between Kristen meeting "Libby" and our eventual divorce, that I realized I had missed something, and that things were going wrong. However, I'm rather much sure they both would argue that by that stage, it was past the point of no return. And maybe so, but as much as I'm an Ethical Pragmatist, I'm first and foremost, a Pragmatic Optimist. If there is an even or better than chance of success, I'm by god going for it.

What I did not account for, something I estimate I took for granted, was the arrested development of my exwife's self esteem and sense of self altogether. I had always encouraged her, built her up, told her good things about her that I liked, and gently pointed out things she might work on. I made sure to assign value to her as a person, and not just her looks, I repeatedly reassured her that while I thought she was physically attractive, which even now I cannot deny she is, or was, I was much more attracted to her the person, her character, her skills, talents and her potential. Which was all true, but what I failed to properly convey, was that it was her in her entirety, as a talented writer, a humorous personality, a trusted friend AND as a physically desirable woman, that I was attracted to her, as I could not parse out any one from the other. Helpful this may have been, but I see now in hindsight, that she did not always take it as it was meant to be, motivation and encouragement, but rather increasingly, took it as a crutch, and then later, for reasons I only partly assign to negligently prescribed psychotropic drugs, as criticism and then finally, as threats.

The rest of the blame, I assign, to straight up, narcissistic codependent manipulation, at the hands of both her mother, to a lesser extent, and to "Libby" to a much larger by far extent.

More on the nuts and bolts of THAT, next time.

A needed notation

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
~W. C. Fields

It behooves me at this time, to change gears, thus addressing and making a note of a much more personal factor and observe pointedly, as I am wont to do, in scathing and direct fashion, an observation and comment made about my personage that I find to be completely entertaining, baffling, and above all telling.

For any who have followed my random musings and commentaries over the years, both in person and online, and to any who claim to know me, the point of character I am speaking of is that of thinking that I know everything or that I am always right, or that I am somehow in any other factor, above or better than others around me.

I have never made any such claims, directly or otherwise.

Yet the stated perceptions, both vague and implicit, abound, pointing towards a level of narcissism, hypocrisy, obsession, sociopathic and abusive tendencies, that are frankly staggering and more befitting some sort of dictator or supervillain, fictional or otherwise.

I can assure you, I have not the energy, time nor inclination to entertain trying even half of the shit attributed to me.

I can also assure you that I am more than vaguely aware of my own foibles, failings and shortcomings, as taking responsibility for and understanding them so that I might remedy them, has been a priority of no small stature for a large portion of my adult life. As to the effectiveness of my efforts, I will freely admit that I have had mixed results at best, and ineffective results at worse.

I say this because of the insight I have into how people react and respond to me, and because of my hard earned understanding on how many people operate, and their reactions to myself and the impact I have upon them. While I no longer put any weight into the opinions or perceptions others will have of me, I am not unaware of the possible importance of them, nor am I blind to how I might effect them, but again, simply put I have not the time or energy to worry myself with others opinions of me.

In the situations where I cared or made it a priority to expend the time and effort on the feelings, thoughts and opinions of others in relation to myself, there was zero gain to be had, and in fact, on more than one occasion, doing so cost me jobs, relationships, my reputation and even my own health and sanity.

This is not to say that I put no importance into what some people think of me, it is just that I have made the list of such persons very small, and in recent months, smaller still.

In the context of females (girls more than women in my personal experience) that I have had relationships with, a level of projection is observed that is both self projection, and the projection of an ideal or preconceived notion that I find intriguing and even at times alarming, when as opposed to males I have had relationships with, any projection is usually of preference or subconceous self examination.

This is not to say that the inverse has not happened or is untrue, but such things are, in my observation at least, rare.

In this, a level of justification, often shoddy and self-serving, is the only reasonable explanation I have come across for the kinds of things others have said, or think of me, post-relationship. This of course can only be viable if one is projecting their own weaknesses and actions upon another, and yes it is something I myself have suffered from and done in the past, but in my more recent years I have refrained from doing so, with great effort and ethical intent as a means to be more honest with myself and others.

A large part of that is taking personal responsibility for my choices, words and actions.

It is why, for me, everything comes back around to that point.

It saddens me greatly to look at people I have respected and cared for, in the most recent and potent case my ex-wife, and observe or reason out that they have come up against their own frailty, and succumbed to it, and further still that the only way they can address it, is to throw their conclusions at me, as if it was I that had committed such failings and inflicted myself upon them in such a selfish way.

While I do not claim to have always been the most noble and upstanding person in all of my interactions, I do claim to have a level of self-awareness sufficient enough to take responsibility for whatever I have done, and whenever possible to make amends for any wrongs I have committed.

That having been said, I am still me, and as such, once I have done all of the above, I refuse to accept any further abuse or to facilitate any further wrong from being perpetrated against me, and will resort to the most primitive of communication humanity has ever devised, blunt force trauma, be it via language or actual physical exchange.

I am no ones punching bag, be it emotionally, intellectually, or physically.

I have more than enough on my plate trying to unfuck myself and be a better person, aiming for the higher good, I need not borrow the damage and handicaps others may foist upon me, either with intent, or by matter of inadvertent ignorance.

Say what you will about me for this, if it is not already abundantly clear, I simply don't have it within me to give a fuck.

You may call me whatever you will, but I will only ever answer to my name, uttered by they whom I recognize as worthy of a response.

That is, rightly I think, an ever shrinking list.