What is Love?

Scientifically it is a chemical reaction in response to sensory input, designed to further the species.
Intellectually, it is a state of mind, of being, wherein you are bound to another by attraction to traits you find appealing.
Emotionally, it is like a memorable experience yet intangible, and inescapable, long lasting, so long as the experience continues as it is.
Spiritually, it is the bonding of two souls, to a common life, purpose and destiny. 
Socially, it is like a cup of corn syrup, dumped on your head, or a puppy froliking on a fluffy blanket, a shiney sticker stuck to your forehead. 
Practically, it is all of the above, sustained by a lot of work to maintain it.

So what then do we do about it?

Accept it, as it is one of the cornerstones of human experience, a gift from God, and an event and force much like gravity, constant if only just, and misunderstood just as easily.

Reject it, as the distraction, waste of effort, like a black hole of resources and time, it may well in fact be. 

Love is, given freely, and can never be forced, bartered for or extorted from another, for in that, it becomes a fraud frail counterfeit of itself, when not mistaken for something else.

When freely given ,and freely accepted, it becomes the most deserving of things, an ideal worthy of praise and enjoyment, but when it is a counterfeit, it poisons and erodes even the best of ideals, until it becomes a weapon in the hands of one who does not wish to accept it, deserving or not, but then, you can only accept the love you think you deserve... so it makes sense to reject what you want if you don't think you deserve it, or are afraid to admit you don't know how to reciprocate it.

In any event, it must be, balanced, or at the least, freely moving back and forth, in ebb and flow between the people concerned, for if it does not, it becomes the fulcrum by which the level of madness will drive the two apart, likely never to come together again.

It is why, traditionally a marriage of love is so rare, and prized a thing, and why in modernity, a punchline attached to a lot of currency and social equity, banked on then cashed out at the time it seems best to cut line and sail on.

It is, for most, an illusion, a scam, and a trap.

It is, for so very few, a true and worthy thing.

"A married person does not live in isolation. He or she has made a promise, a pledge, a vow, to another person. Until that vow is fulfilled and the promise is kept, the individual is in debt to his marriage partner. That is what he owes. "You owe it to yourself" is not a valid excuse for breaking a marriage vow but a creed of selfishness."

- R.C. Sproul

The Return of Motivation

 After a momentary standing self imposed break, a self exile, from the intellectual pursuit of thought and reason, and commenting, ruminating, and expanding my understanding, before attempting to compile my thoughts here for myself and possibly others to digest and integrate, I found myself suddenly lacking any true motivation to return to form, and create either here or in the realms of my pursuit of fictitious works, the old millstone of mental and emotional blockage once more dragging my head down, and crushing my heart, sapping any and all inspiration and motivation (I use NOT the term "Muse" for a most pointed reason) to even bother making notes for later, as a dark small voice snarling at me that even if I were to try and preserve even the outline of a possible inspired thought, I would simply never take it up again, leaving it a scrap on some page or a collection of wasted bytes on some device, forgotten and misplaced for the next decade or two, as so many others have become over the years.

Fool that I can be, I listened to that voice, not truly hearing it, not really paying any mind to it, just accepting the hint it drilled slow but sure into the back of my soul... Until I realized it sounded strangely like her voice, as if some edited and spliced sound file had been downloaded onto my metaphoric eardrums and set to repeat its false message from her, sent from beyond the grave of our relationship, a parting shot hidden, embedded in one of the last emails she so spitefully sent with such cold and emotionless detachment.

It was then I racked myself, cell to mote, atom to thought, hair to marrow, emotion to choice, unto action.

It would not do for my progress and healing to be so derailed and nullified as to allow the end result and person at the center of ten years of my life to further live rent free in my headspace and dump into my heart (without beneficial end no less), nor would it do for this to make a mockery of my goal to not only be well shed of such an encumbering weight, dead and useless, but to thrive less in spite of and more because of its removal from my person, to once more embrace not only the ideal of freedom, but to live it out as best I can in the way I find it with all the clarity I might manage.

Yet even I, refuse to ignore the lingering effects such a burden, noble it might have been at the time (the likely false pretenses not withstanding) still have on me, even now. The trick, I think, is turning such things into lessons, forge them into, tools for myself, fuel even, for the motivation I was now gasping for like an orgasm denied at the fingers and lips of a maniacal mistress.

As is my base nature, I finally took matters into my own hands, and wielding humorous irony, and the personal benediction to move forward at any cost, started pushing myself, even through the facebook reminders of the anniversary of the start of the worst 3 years of my life, only now barely behind me, looming big and ugly in my rearview mirror, I reminded myself, the punchline from a sermon taught to me by a beloved mentor some 20 years pryor, "Don't play with dead things, keep them buried and were they belong." 

It was then, the point finally, after germinating for 20 years, came to me and bore fruit: This is what makes sacrifice worthwhile; moving beyond it, and what lead you to it, not repeating and rehashing and replaying everything that brought you to that alter, blade in hand, incense staining your feet, tears in your eyes, and anguish in your chest. Make not cheap the calories burned, the sweat dropped, the work performed, the time or money spent, or even the blood shed, by ignoring where that sacrifice has brought you, which is beyond that impasse that should have by rights, stopped you, broken you, killed you, ended your story.

Be it metaphor, or practical, spiritual or mental, singular or all of the above, do not let yourself be distracted from the now, nor the future, because sacrifice brings you forward, so that you may continue, that you may achieve, that you may live, so take up your tools, be it a pen, a sword, a hammer, a brush, take up your life, take up your mind, and engorge it with motivation, paint it in hope, temper it with resolve, pick your poison, and laugh as you grind away at that obstacle, even if it so happens to be yourself, burn away the debris of a failed past, and embrace the future, be the change you need to be, cast your eyes forward, and prick your ears to now, plan, work, grow, survive, thrive, persevere, adapt, improvise, overcome and by god endure.

In the end, no matter what efforts taken by whom, it is only yourself who can actually stop you, blaming someone else for your reticence neither proves nor solves anything, and may actually cripple you further.

Keep your head down, your eyes up, your feet moving, and keep on swinging, because after all, you're only ever beaten, when you quit.

Now get out there and fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...

~Mac 

The duality of Hope

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me.

- E. Dickinson

Hope is the thing that sits on the back of the shelf-
Not alone nor forgotten-

Set aside for some later time when it will become better-

Used as faith instead.
Juxtaposed to the things found in your hands-

Alive rather than not.

Till one sees it behind some faded memory-

Both realized as rotten.
The dismay and regret color the scent of the sound-

Now that it's dead.

Now how could it be you did this to me-

And gave me only naught?

C. McConnell

Hope, is a wonderous and useful thing, and the death of it grieves the soul, yet it is also the thing that can bind us from taking the steps that are most necessary to move forward, holding out the hope that things can't get worse, or that they can or should get better, will stop one from taking action to actually fix or change the circumstances that are leading to destruction, just as that same hope can provoke action to put good into the world, or even just ones own life.

The secret to hope, is to foster it when it is all you have, and to bind it up when you have other options, but it is knowing which is the case, that is the most difficult to discern. Thus far I myself can only conclude that time and experience will guide you in learning how to figure that out, if only because it is how I have had to learn it, and if you are able to do so in another, less costly way, then you are a better person than I.

Remaining True to Self

Without delving into likely pointless commentary upon the subject of the current socio-political and cultural status of American Society, and abstaining (for now) from sharing my assuredly polarizing and characteristically scathing observations on such, I instead once more turn inwardly, as is the nature of this blog, and unpack further my thoughts upon self, and the necessary elements of holding myself to a set of standards, what that has entailed and required thus far, and what I expect it to warrant in the future.

By holding myself to a standard, a personal ethic, a code of conduct as it were, I must continually review and reflect upon my behaviour, sometimes in great detail, and in no place do I find greater resolution for such things than with the review and appraisal of relationships, from this, the estimated health and status of relationships, I am able to compare and contrast myself against both others, and of course, myself. Learning from history, allows us to avoid repeating it, at least in theory, if not always (rarely more like) in practice. History may, or may not repeat, but it does make a damnable effort to rhyme, and we as humans, can't help but partake in this symmetry, too many times as passengers, rather than conductors. I for one, aim to change that about myself.

When a relationship ends, in particular when it ends badly, it is laughably, frighteningly easy to fall into one of two distinct but closely related mindsets, both of which sit on the fringe edges of a brutally narrow and exacting continuum within one's own psyche.

The first, is to fall into the role of the victim, and then accuser, to lay the blame at the feet of the other party, to put the bulk of the burden of responsibility upon them, to call them abusive, manipulative, selfish, monstrous in any and/or all ways, to paint a picture of your own weakness as the fulcrum upon which they acted upon, to leverage you into a bad situation, with intent and by design, because doing so allows you to take just a small part of the blame, so as not to open yourself up to proper and fair criticism, thereby insulating yourself from the uncomfortable process of revealing questions directed just a tad too close to yourself and your center, and the truth of the matter that you were, naive or aware or in good faith or in poor desperation, not only a participant, but co-author of the tale of the relationship.

The second, and just as likely, is to fall into the role of the self-aware wretch, and then oppressor, to take the blame upon yourself fully, absolving the other person of any real blame, and to then disparage yourself, bemoaning how terrible and broken you are, decrying your actions and choices with thin explanations, and tales of how twisted and odd you are, and how past inputs have warped you, an already suspect personality, into some vapid and gnarled shade of a person, turning your own shortcomings and weaknesses into the fangs and talons by which you rend and mutilate your way through other personalities, how you are a living repository of venom, poisoning the pure or at least mostly wholesome people you attach yourself too, because, frankly you can't help yourself, and even if you could, you wouldn't want to anyways, and as such, it is only your fault, and not that of the poor fool you wrecked because they were too kind or innocent to get the hell outta your way as you cast chaos and despair across the land, because after all, that allows you to shun total responsibility for your choices, and to not even bother calling into question your own judgement, and it allows you a refrain from pointing out the other person's involvement and responsibility in the relationship.

While both start from a point of reflection, and possibly even a desire to understand the why, they are both terribly narrow, incomplete and unhealthily warped parts of a whole, taken to such extremes as to be utterly useless and hazardous to ones own mental health, growth and wellbeing. I would hope I do not need to expand upon the clear and present dangers such things present to ones own growth, health and development.

In truth, until one can look at a past relationship with the clarity and equity and dare I say, objectiveness to understand that, to borrow a phrase, "it takes two to tango" then the previously stated pitfalls are seemingly inevitable and possibly inescapable, and as such, a feedback loop of detriment will be established, drowning out other possible processes until something internal changes to break or at least alter the cycle.

I humbly posit that until one can have both of the previously explained perspectives, one after the other, if not simultaneously, and then from them, attain a broader, and more fair third perspective, there will come a point where true personal growth is stunted and extinguished.

You are both victim and aggressor, you ARE an active participant in every relationship you have, even by not making a choice, you are choosing, you are not absolved of your responsibility based upon your part played, and by accepting that you are not innocent, you can find the strength and clarity to forgive both yourself, and the other person, which is a freeing process, because that is truly what forgiveness is about; freedom to choose, freedom to heal, and finally, freedom to grow.

By taking this all into account, I believe that one is able to be true to self, by accepting the responsibility of growth, and all of the prerequisites it mandates, you are in fact aiming at the highest good for yourself, and this allows you to aim for the highest good on behalf of others, this empowers you to put good into the world, by setting yourself in order (in some form or fashion) or at least, by pointing yourself towards it, it allows you to challenge not only yourself, but the surrounding order of things, and hopefully for the better, and as such, I think FAILING to do as such, leads rather much to the opposite effect and impact upon self and the world around you.

If I am to remain true to myself, then I must stand against being changed and formed by the outside world, notably for the worse, while taking lessons and examples from the same, to change for the better, if it is at all possible, as it is a core part of that elemental grit, that borderline defiance that has always been a foundational part of me, that stubborness in me that refuses to be broken by others, no matter how deep the cut, how powerful the blow, how pointed the words, or how caustic the accusations.

This all of course hinges upon the understanding, that there are in fact flaws and shortcomings within myself that I should strive to understand, downplay, and above all, remedy, by whatever means I can, even while reinforcing the positive and directing the neutral parts of myself, into something better.

It is a never ending struggle, but accepting that, and accepting the process, allows me a freedom to forge the mindset that I should in fact try, and even endure to see some kind of positive change, so long as I never try to cheat myself by taking the cowards way out. I pride myself on not being a coward. foolish or ignorant I may well be, I do attempt to widen my gaze, and broaden my understanding,  now more than ever, having realized that I have at far to many times in the past, taken whatever information and/or knowledge I have, and left it alone, believing it was sufficient and not realizing that it is dynamic rather than static, as few things are set in stone, so to speak, and the things that are, well, that is a tangent for another time...

I close with this observation; difficult as it was for me to accept the terms and circumstances of my divorce, and the end of a ten year relationship with what was, for a long season, my best friend, and my most treasured lover, I can say now, roughly a year after the finalization of the divorce, and the end of communication between myself and her some time later, that I had both of the above mentioned mindsets, I thought of her as a heartless monster, a selfish coward, a user, an exploiter, a liar, and I thought of myself as the monster, the voracious manipulator, the too oft passive fool, and all points in between, and then I happened upon the third and I think more healthy perspective: we were both young, dumb, and very possibly, deep in love, blinded to one another's weaknesses, and later desensitized to each other's strengths, we started strong, but we both became complacent, and did not always do the work of maintaining our relationship, because it felt so easy and natural, to the point that when our deeper hurts started manifesting problems, and other challenges compiled upon us, in conjunction with life and it's inherent challenges, and constant changes, put up a hill to steep for our now anemic relationship. And it was both of our faults. We both pulled away when we should not have, we both became cowardly when we needed to be bold, and we both blamed the other unfairly, without first holding ourselves to account first, and as such, we both blamed the other without recourse or mercy.

The only distinction I can now draw at this time, is that I realized this (abit, too fucking late of course) and made my peace with it, and forgave both myself, and her for this, and even reached out to her and said as much.

I will not pretend to have any great and personal insight into her own status at this time (beyond that which I have had confirmed from other sources), but she has yet to reciprocate as of the date of this writing, and for me and where I sit, that speaks volumes on par to anything she could say or do for or to me at this time.

And it damn near breaks my heart all over again to realize that.

But healed bones are always stronger once they are done re-growing, and besides all of that, if she really was that strong a personality at her core, she never would have allowed either of us to become so weak and break apart to start with.

Cowardice is like that... And I REFUSE to be a coward, thus I write this, thus I challenge myself.

Thus, I remain true to myself.

~Caleb

The Forward Path

Upon this date, the date of my birth, I now observe the start of year thirty-six of my existence and with it, as has been long standing tradition, I feel little older and only slightly more informed than at any point in recent recollection.

Yet I now find, for the first time in my life, I do in fact feel wiser, in stark contrast to my birthday last year, wherein I felt more foolish and less informed, than I had at any other point in my life that I can clearly recall, by dint of information oversaturation and rampant emotional distress.

Wisdom, is loosely and commonly defined as instinct applied with knowledge and tempered with experience, to result in insight. Given my personal experiences over the last two years now, my instincts have been retrained and honed, my knowledge expanded, and my wisdom forcibly upgraded beyond all desire and expectations I might have had previously.

Having been called an "old soul" since my formative years always sat with me as odd, in an almost but not quite out of place fashion within my heart and mind, yet I now realize that my almost (and that is highly debatable!) unflappable, stalwart ruggedness and ability to be, as my mother has said since I was 12 or so, the so called "Master of the delayed reaction" or rather my forced talent to stop myself from knee jerk emotional reactions, and the fallout they always result in, has in fact preserved and safeguarded me throughout the trials, struggles, and heartbreak of the last two years, from almost losing my job (twice) to losing my father, my wife and best friend, to losing thousands of dollars to dishonest and exploitive persons, weeks worth of sleep, and damn near losing my optimism and sense of humor if not likely some sizable part of whatever "sanity" I have been repeatedly accused of possessing.

This is not at all without its cost of course, and there are regrets and sorrows aplenty, tinging and tainting memories and lessons aplenty but the saving grace is, bitter as it may be, that it all is, she is, now past, and what has been done and said cannot be changed, nor I think should it be, and above all else, I am no longer obliged to be tied to or revisit either her, or any of it. It had its place, but things, and people do change, and rare are either that last even a fraction of the frail and humorous human notion of "forever" and I am lucky to have had roughly ten years of a relationship, nearly seven of which was a fairly healthy romance, that sadly failed due to a combination of terrible timing, distractions, unaddressed health issues, exampled abusive tendencies (narcissism) inadvertent and unintentional neglect, emotional PTSD, questionable advice from people of questionable motivations and the mixing of SSRI's and booze, the majority portion of it all, does not now, nor did it then, fall upon my shoulders, although I gladly take up the burden of what did then, and still now does.
Now most of that is no longer my problem anymore, and while I would hardly call this a "starting from scratch" or "starting over" phase for me, I am now in more than a few ways starting from someplace far behind, or at least far to the side of where I had dreamed and expected of being now, when I pondered such things in years past. To put it plainly, I have lost much these past two years, more than I have ever lost at any time in my life prior. There is a strange sense of being both lighter, and heavier for it all, and I cannot say that I am at this stage, comfortable with it. I may yet do so, and I may never do so as well, only time will tell.

Yet I find a strange sense of freedom now, shed of my once cast iron, voluntary obligation, a freedom balanced with a weight of responsibility, a sense of opportunity one might find when exploring a new place by accident from a mistaken turn on the road, a sense of adventure and potential, of guarded optimism at the unknown, and of coy awareness at the recently learned.

The struggle now is to not allow myself to fall into distraction by looking back needlessly, or pining for some sort of reconnection or reconciliation or restoration. While I still and always will desire to have answers to my final questions, and would be eternally grateful for that last, meaningful (or not) good bye, I am at peace with the simple fact that is I may not ever get any of that, and I must be okay with it.

I'm not okay with it, not at all, it isn't right, it isn't fair, to either her nor myself, but the nice thing is, since life isn't fair, it really doesn't matter, because I can absolutely live with it, just like everything else I've had forced upon me by the will of others because of their terribly selfish and short sighted choices.

It is from here, at this place of acceptance, imperfect as it is, that I can forgive Kristen, and thus allow for myself, the clarity I now need to actually get about the business of actively living my life again.

Now if only the REST of the stupid world could just get the fuck outta my way and let me do it...

All things being equal, I have learned a great deal about myself, about others, about the world at large, and about just how unyielding and unstoppable I can be, in contrast to how tender and gentle I have been in the past. And that I attract hurt, outcast and otherwise damaged personalities (mostly females it seems) to me, because by comparison I have most of my shit decently wired when compared to them (or males) of a similar cut. I'm far from perfect but I realized very recently that compared to most of my peers and most anyone within 20 years of me, I'm shockingly boring and unwarped or damaged, aside from a few specific and highly intense experiences that have only served to reinforce everything else about myself. As such I draw others to me like the proverbial flame attracts moths. 

I still have that softer side within me, but I do not think times will be looking for a gentle or tender man for a while now, but rather that quiet, steely resolution, bordering on defiance, that I have always had, at my core, buried under the layers of gregariousness and gentility I had found refuge within for so many years.

But if the writing on the wall is what I think it is, and means what I think it means, and given the state of social media, and how ingrained it has become, and the light it has shone upon social progression and decay, I'm thinking yeah it does, and as such I should return to my core form.

In the meantime, I now heal, inside and out, mentally, emotionally, and physically and go about my life looking for the next thing to do while I position myself as best as I can. As for what, I cannot say beyond what I want, and what will be, are rarely if ever, one and the same, and, all told, when they are, they rarely stay that way.

It only took me nearly 35 years to figure that out. Thank God above it took me much less than that to figure out who I am, and want to be, some people never figure either out.

Until next time,

~Caleb

My Rules of Life

At this point it time, by dint of injury, a forced time of rest and reflection has been entered, and it has become impressed upon me, that now more than ever, with the world in the state it is in, the status of the current civilization and social progression (or rather regression, but that is for another entry) that it is of the highest priority for me to revaluate and adjust, recondition and shore up my personal tenants and beliefs once more, as I know full well that as time progresses ever onwards to the inevitable end for me, I will again be tested, even after my current test is completed, one way or another.

The Buddha stated and taught the ideal of Dukkha-dukkha, or in plain English, “Life is suffering.” Or as Jordan B. Peterson has said with great conviction, eloquence and clarity that we as humans are "built for struggle". Indeed, we do seem to thrive on adversity, but ironically enough, only when we view it in the context of challenge, as if it was a game, rather than as suffering or struggle for the sake thereof, as inflicted upon us by our very existence. As brilliantly observed, lampooned and yet surmised by author Douglas Adams in his book, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe: “The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

The constant struggle of order and chaos, the constant pendulum swing driven by ever fluctuating entropy, and the fickleness of the fallen soul of humanity, both collectively and individually, is the building blocks of existence, formed from raw matter and math, in the language of God himself, leads to the push and pull of life, the ups and downs, yet it is what we are made of, frailties and light both, that define just what it is our existence means. It is something we must lay claim to, and then mold by our will if we are to hope of becoming that which we are meant to be, and our failing to do so, is what leads to life molding and defining us, and it is a sad and terrible thing indeed to be so defined by trauma, rather than self.



So what then does one use to define self? It is of course, that most vital cog of causality, the most intimate partner of human will, choice. Choice and choice alone is that which we may use to define ourselves, and to fail in doing so, makes us less than human. So then, how do we choose?

We set for ourselves rules, we pick and choose our reactions and responses to the things not wholly automatic, and we practice daily, how we will respond to the input given to us by the universe, and the other humans we exist with. Just as one would program a computer with “if this, then that” we program ourselves with our choices. In doing so, we train ourselves on how to react, using countless centuries of exampled genetic programming as a starting point, and building from there with the immediate examples of family and friends, before refining and finalizing with our own cognitive choices.



For myself, I list now below, my own rules for life, not as a standard guild or starting place, such as J.B. Peterson has done with his brilliant and timely book "12 Rules for Life: an Antidote to Chaos" but rather more, for the record, and for myself, my own list of rules I have had, edited, refined, and adhered to for the bulk of lo the now almost 35 years of my existence, first published back in 2012 on my old blog, I now bring the long overdue update to my personal rules for life.



Take from them what you will, I don't care, but all I can say for sure, is that for better or worse, they have worked for me, and kept me in that sweet spot between colorful insanity and dull emptiness thus far.





Rule #1: Take responsibility for yourself and your actions and your choices
Without rehashing all that I have already said about personal responsibility, I will surmise this rule as such; there can be no true life without growth, and there can be no positive grown without clear self reflection, and ownership of the same.



Rule #2: Everything costs someone, something
Every, single, damned thing.
Nothing is free except sunlight and air, and their value cannot be lessened because of that.


Rule #3: Manners count, and small things matter more than we ever realize
You will never fully understand how you can or do affect the people around you, and how they in turn will affect others, and even yourself.


Rule #4: Know when to stand your ground / when to back down
Know when to admit your wrong, but also know when to speak up if you are right, and even more so if on behalf of others.


Rule #5: Cover your ass
Part of rule #1 in a way, always seek self improvement, and to be sufficient if not excellent and/or honest in all you do, it helps keep you out of trouble, and will insulate you from injustice if you do get in trouble, because someone somewhere, is looking to screw you over, or is so short sighted and apathetic that they will screw you over out of carelessness, and covering your own ass will negate a level of that.



Rule #6: Extend mercy to them what need it most
Kindness is underused and devalued too easily, and this is all of our fault, but mercy too often is labeled as weakness, when in fact it is one of the brightest marks of strength and righteousness.



Rule #7: trust must be both given AND earned
Much as with Rule #2, trust costs, yet it can be the best investment you can make, as well as the worst. Never give more than the most bare amount upfront, but once proven, it should be given generously until proven to be misplaced, and then it must be horded jealously. Everyone gets one free pass.




Rule #8: Speak well, softly, and respectfully whenever possible
Mean what you say, and say what you mean, and learn how to articulate it as well as possible.




Rule #9: Know your limits
And know how to compensate for them, and how to react when you have been pushed past them.



Rule #10: When worst comes to worst, do not be needlessly nice or polite

In parallel with #9, when one has been pushed to the limits of their composure and good will, it becomes a self aware person, to respond in blunt harshness to them that are inflicting upon them without any gentility, but then they don't deserve it anymore given their habitual negative behaviour.



Rule #11: Stand up for yourself, since so few others will
Linked closely with Rule #7 this rule is foundational to both self respect and personal responsibility, and is the fulcrum by which you will leverage yourself upon when times and people try you, so that you might still hold some measure of self worth through it all,



Rule #12: Make every shot count, no matter the context
Self explanatory.



Rule # 13: When all else fails; endure 

Make the choice before you get out of bed, to not fold like a cheap lawn chair whenever and wherever life or other people decide to fall upon you. Make your plans, have a goal in mind but understand that when it all goes up in flames, you are never beaten if you never quit.



Rule #14: Never disrupt another's right to go their own way
Cooperation is good, but domination is bad, no person out of a thousand is either worthy nor equipped to rule, and any who are, do not seek to do so, and never open yourself up to justice by trying it outside of dire circumstances.



Rule #15: Find something to believe in, to the point you are willing to die for it
Without the power of belief, humans are aimless, and destructive without end, so find a goal, we are creatures designed and evolved to AIM at something beyond us, be it a target to strike, or an achievement to meet or even surpass, it is one of the vital cogs within motivation that allows us to thrive.



Rule # 16: If it ain't broke, don't fix it, and if it is, by God fix it 

Sums up a number of the other rules, but is also fairly self explanatory.



Rule #17: know when to just smile and nod
Better to remain silent and thought poorly of, than to confirm any bias against you by speaking or acting out when unnecessary.


Rule #18: never pass up the chance to laugh
Irony abounds, and comedy requires an audience but humor allows us to face the darkness with a flicker of light, it keeps us from blinking when the abyss finally stares back.


Rule #19: if you can't stun them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit
Somewhat tongue in cheek, yet shockingly valid, this is a practical and audacious summery of the application of rule #18, and is not for the faint of heart or thin of skin nor the risk adverse.


Rule #20: fight for love
The bonds we forge have meaning, they have value, but only so long as we ascribe to them as such.

the past, present and future self, pt. 3

In many ways, there is none more ernest, committed or vocally supporting a person then one who had been converted.

I do not mean simply (or irrelevantly) a person who has found a religious (or political, but I repeat myself) ideal they have committed too, but rather in broad strokes, all things.

The human notion of truth, is powerful, yet our understanding of it, our perception of it, is terrifyingly flawed, and broadly self centered in bias.

Information, good or Ill, is not always factual, and facts are not always truth, yet truth itself, is the basis for all of the previously mentioned items. Yet without the attachment of meaning, or of value, truth for the sake of truth, is null in its effect on ones life.

Yet subjective as it all seems, truth is still the cornerstone of all growth and progress, be it the singular individual or the width and depth of humanity as a whole. A is A. Something, is what it is, even if it doesn't exactly look like it upon first glance. Light is light, warm is warm, and the opposite  of both indicates the absence of either, a rock is a rock, unless it's a turtle in hiding.

To say that people are complex is both true, and imperfect, because motives are simple, but reasons are not, people are much more than just the sum total of their own experiences, biases, culture or beliefs. In fact it is even deeper than that.

Why then, practically speaking, do we choose to further complicate things by choosing to lie? The motivational reasoning for such can vary person to person, yet the effect is almost always the same: chaos.

Be it to protect, or to cheat, depriving others of truth always ends in damage, exponential cost to self and others, and negatively impacts all that are in proximity to the lie, and/or the one lying.

Yet why for the love of sanity, do we default to it? Children teach themselves to lie young, and what is worse, is they are often too hard headed to stop, even when caught and punished for it.

I was terrible about this until I was around 16 or so, and even then I didn't fully break myself of the habit until I was almost 25. And as such, I dare say you may count myself as among the "converted" in matters of honesty. To quote my mother: "I don't hate people, but I abhor a liar." 

Yet, even so, honesty itself also comes with a burden, doubled when one is in concert with questionable people or proven liars. To Quote Jack Sparrow: "Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid."

This implying that honest people who are always taken as honest, who suddenly chose to lie, are the most dangerous because they are both not good at it, and no one ever expects them to actually lie to start with.

Juxtaposing that with someone like myself, a convert to the truth, and I would submit that such people are the only ones to actually trust, because we know both the danger and the value of the truth, and of lies, and we choose one over the other, because we understand the consequences of going the other way, and if one is truly ethical, and holds no malice, then they will choose the truth every time. To summarize what King Solomon said in his book of Proverbs: Necessary are the wounds of a friend, but kisses from an adversary drip with death.

As Jordan Peterson has said in his book, 12 rules for life, "always tell the truth, or at least don't lie". This echoes the axiom of Mark Twain who said, always tell the truth, so you don't have to remember anything.

In so far as this all relates to myself and who I am now, and who I want to be, I now say this: I endeavor to always be honest with myself, and with others, to spare the compounding effect of lies upon consequences, and to foster a sense of reliability for myself.

Doing so also means I can avoid posible entanglements by warding off others who might not be as forthright or truthful, thus protecting myself from harm further down the line.

This also has the effect of drawing others of like or compatible ideals to me, and as such should hopefully bolster my efforts of self improvement by allowing others to surround me who have like goals and standards, who can help me, and whom I can help in kind.

It is, I humbly submit, the only moral way forward for anyone looking to be the best person they can or might be, and that failing in doing so is not wrong, but part of the process of learning, yet willingly choosing not to do so, will only end in misery and chaos.

I choose the balance of order, and freedom, honesty and growth. I choose not to cause undue harm to others with intent, yet make no excuse for insult for they who would act against me for selfish gain.

It is why, when I am being honest with myself, I can say that I wish to learn, to grow, and to achieve that which I have set before myself as a lofty goal: the reputation of a good and honest man, a faithful friend, and a terrible adversary, an advocate for they who need it, and one who stands at a line not to be crossed.

I have made great progress to this end, yet I know I still have a long way to go, a lot of work to do, and frankly, it is an end I know I will never fully arrive at, yet the journey is as always, the worthier part, and what I do not know, I will learn, one way or another.

It is who I intend to be, it is, my future self whom I hope to meet in my mirror one day, and whom I wish to present to the world at large, or at least my little corner of it..

the past, present and future self, pt.2

After an interlude, and having recounted the observations of my person, I now turn towards the analytical observation of who I once was, and attempt to sum the totals from the balance of my former self, as a means to understand and estimate the gross and net gain or loss of my current self, as a prelude to a later estimating of who my future self may end up being.

I make no assumptions that this will be a wholly unbiased or fully accurate accounting, but I do stand upon the premise that anyone or anything truly capable of such is not now nor ever likely to contribute to this blog or my writings as a whole in any direct or meaningful way either now or ever, if such a thing was ever even possible.

To keep this concise, I will only go back some ten years, to who I was when I first started blogging, and then work my way forwards, but where it applies, I will also point further back, where I feel it is necessary for contrast or explanation, as a means to underscore the more impactful changes.

The two most obvious and prominent changes that come to mind, things with which I do count as a loss, but not without compensation of a sorts, are my opinions and ideals regarding the concepts of loyalty, and romantic love, as my perspectives on both have shifted significantly and pointedly due to my experiences in relationships as well as my own deep research into the social, mental, emotional, biological and ultimately psychological motivations and distinctions between people, namely between men and women, but also between possible value systems and ideologies. The potential make up of an individual and what define their motivations and ethical parameters are rather staggering, yet it has also lead to a better understanding of myself, and shone a rather broken yet brilliant light upon others.

To date, I have had my heart broken three times, each time by women, once by a friend who I loved and I easily could have loved as something more, twice by women I loved romantically, one I came to love after entering into a relationship out of lust and desperation, and finally the other I came to love over time out of mutual respect and intellectual attraction.

In each instance my love, and loyalty was betrayed for what are, by my estimation, purely selfish reasons. Social media philosophy and self help inspirational quotes would justify such choices as acts of self preservation, yet the flaw in this is that to easily they can be taken, and rightly so I think, as little more than narcissistic projecting or neurotic deflection of the whole truth, or at the very least, in part, and the rejection of personal responsibility they seem to foster is subtle yet plain.

If nothing else they are a convenient excuse or glib argument to defend such uncivilized and destructive behavior. And while I am not in fact condemning any actual efforts of self preservation, I still maintain that such acts, both legitimate to such ends, and not, cost someone something, and to ignore that fact is truly monstrous.

All of that having been said, it should be of little surprise that my stance on the subject of loyalty is now rather blunt and simplistic: loyalty is a choice, and it should always be earned, refined, and reinforced, constantly so, because it is also a habit, and thus time and labor intensive, as all habits ultimately are.

My stance on love is rather similar, but with a greater focus on the effort and time.

Yet I also submit that for this to be true, an intrinsic value must be placed on such things as this, and this can only truly come about by having a sense of self worth, and sense of value for yourself and who or what you are, and might be.

Jordan Peterson has said time and again that you should, "treat yourself as someone you care about (or value)." And I think he is absolutely right about that, because I have encountered too many people who do not truly care about themselves enough to value much else beyond simple carnal hedonism, and dehumanizing and crass exploitation of others. Such people do not I think, truly value themselves, as such the only value they have is for shallow feelings, or other things external and impersonal, since they cannot manage to value anything else of greater importance, much less another person.

It is I think a more practical and detailed understanding of the golden rule, that which Christ claimed was one of the two greatest commandments, to love your neighbor as yourself. The word he used according to the source text, is the Hebrew word, "Agape" which is partly translated as familiar love, and also as the love of dear friends, as opposed to something like the Greek word "Eros" which is equated with passionate love, desire and even pure biological lust.

English, in it's never ending quest to simplify and consolidate words and meanings in pursuit of efficiency, has long ago merged all possible translations of love, onto a singular word, used interchangeably, and as such, some of the deeper power and meaning has been lost.

More is the pity.

For myself, such a loss is compounded when various forms and meanings of the word collide, becoming muddled into a wondrous and interlinked ideal that I cannot easily parse out into separate things once more, such as what happened with my now failed marriage. Then it becomes a soul rending nightmare, as has been documented elsewhere.

This now results in my ideal of love being far less romantic and mystical, and far more practical and dare I say mathematical.

Intrest + effort + intent x time + commitment - distractions = love

If any part of this formula is moved, left out or changed, the result is not love, or at least it will not start or end as love.

To quote Paul's first letter to the church in Corinth:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT

That sounds like a whole lot of work to me.

It was work I was willing to put in, and then some, and so long as I was receiving the just rewards and benefits of such a relationship and the love therein, I was content to continue on doing my part.

But when there was an imbalance in the relationship, I would suffer under it and attempt to right it as best I could. Until said efforts repelled the other person who had clearly grown to enjoy the flavored status of getting much more out of it than they were putting into it. At which point, betrayal was clearly  the only reasonable end to the relationship. No we can't be fucking responsible adults about it and calmly explain that we have no further interest in prolonging the relationship in a polite or at least straightforward and direct manner person to person. That is asking too much!

It is why my new ideals impose such rigid standards now. It's why I now resolve to cut my losses sooner and not drag out a ending, to prolong and frustrate a parting of ways, be it romantically or otherwise.

I refuse to put myself or others through such agony.

Thus, the naive and romantic youngman I once was, is no more, the cold hard and aloof if gregarious, semi-stoical, ethically pragmatic island I now choose to be as the result.

My former self is now dead, buried under the weight of my foolishness, my sins and the sins of others, gone but not forgotten, a warning for myself and hopefully others against the rigged game, an arrow pointing towards self-respect and truth.

And hopefully, a map that will lead myself towards someone better than I, whom I might one day become.

More on that next time.

I want to be mad at you (interlude)

But I can't.

No, I can be, but it never lasts more than a few moments.

You never actually made me mad until you left me, all but alone, I never was angry with you, until you snapped and lost your mind, accusing me of something I didn't really do, again.

The last 9 months of our marriage all you did was hurt and scare and disappoint me, made me feel unwanted, unloved, ignored...

But I know now, what I always suspected then, that it wasn't actually your fault, not totally at least, but you do hold some responsibility, because after all, you made the choices that led to the end, not me.

Whatever my failures (and I know them well enough both then, and more so now) I never quit on you.

I faltered, I stumbled, I dropped the ball, time and again, but I by God always kept trying, for you, for us.

I never gave up. NEVER I say!

I know I was not always right, I know I was not always bold enough, I know I didn't always listen, but God how I tired! I never quit. I never stopped. I never gave up... until I couldn't take your poisoned words and choices anymore...

I should have dropped everything, left work and rushed home that night. I should have kicked the door down, and told you the truth, that I loved you with all my heart, but that you were killing me inside, that you were not in your right mind, that something was WRONG and that we were going to get you help and fix it.

Instead I snapped back at you, via text, replying to your selfish cowardly bleating, your hair brained shit test, and told you to go fuck yourself, since you refused to fuck me. Your husband. Your best friend. Your advocate. Your true love...

Booze and meds do warp the mind, just as much as toxic friends and idiot "experts" do, and you? You walked right into the middle of that perfect storm and shit on me. And had the audacity to blame me for it all.

And I fucking let you do it.

And that, above all else, is why, even after I lost all respect for you, I still cared, I still cried, I still worried, and I still love you, even now.

Why I still whisper into the void, even now...

'Come back to me my love... come back... my love... my heart... my... friend... I need you...'

But you never hear me.

You don't want too...

You say you still love me, in your passive aggressive indirect way, but your lack of words, and your actions, say something else entirely.

'Drop dead'

That's all I hear now.

'I'm sorry, the heart you are trying to contact is no longer in existence, try unfucking yourself and never get close to anyone again. If you feel you have gotten this message in error, then stop being a narcissistic selfish cowardly cunt, and call your best friend back, and make up again.'

the past, present, and future self, pt. 1

Abstaining from both a mathematical and metaphysical attempt at describing time, and the imperfect human perception of it, I now turn my writing attention to the matter of self progress, and the evolutionary development of who, and indeed what I am, as it is in fact, the focal point of these writings, and this very blog. In a few pointed words, this is all abundantly autobiographical.

Please reader, be under no misunderstanding or false conclusions; this is not about you, or others that have been mentioned and discussed previously within, this is one hundred percent, without caveat, without excuse, and with all possible honesty and presence of mind, all about Me, Myself, and I.

The natural proclivity of humanity to progress, is undeniable, as is our confounding penchant to regress, consistently inconsistent, with immeasurable potential, is how I sum up our duality, and it is the only way I can quantify our capacity for both good and evil, and the extremes we are constantly exploring, if the widely published and recorded logs of our history are to be believed, even if only in part.

But rather than focusing upon the broad strokes and planet shaping things, I instead now turn fully inward, to the individual level, to the personal and the signuler thing by which I am the only true authority of, the subject of myself.

They, whomever "they" may be, say to properly tell a story, you must start at the beginning. This is true, because as linear beings, we as humans must frame things as such, we have a fixed point of origin, and a fixed point of conclusion, it is how we view and experience the universe, even when we do not fully understand nor appreciate what this means.

However, in the interest of time, clarity, and being concise, I will be focusing upon the things I have taken note of within myself, and compare them to things others have observed, and seek to render an explanation as best I can, and provide reasoning for myself.

I shall list now, such things in no particular order, and reply as I am able.

Kind,
Arguably the most common observation I have heard, moreso in my younger years than in more recent, I have always struggled with this because I do not fully think myself to be overly or pointedly kind, I have always felt that treating others with some form of basic respect and dignity was only right, if only because it is how I personally prefer to be treated, and so I always have attempted to treat others in this way.
And yet others find it remarkable that I do so.
I still to this day cannot understand why this is so striking a concept to others.

Stalwart,
A much more rare, but as such more pointed an observation that I have always chalked up to my own hardheaded stubbornness and personal decision to at the least, not be weak, if I cannot at all be strong. In my youngest days, weakness was the default setting, as it is for all of us I think, given early embarrassment at others perception of my weakness, I resolved to toughen up and be brave and strong, but the capacity to follow through would come much later, yet in the intervening years, my resolution turned my foundational willingness to always try, into such things, and becoming stalwart in all things, was the result.

Loyal,
It is I think fitting, that when the history and origin of my given name is dug into, the old Hebrew comes to 3 distinct, yet related meanings, incumbent upon the context of the usage of the word. Caleb, (Kay-leb or Ca-leeb) means Gentile or "outsider" as well as "faithful friend" or more the simple "dog" and it is, either ironically or not, one of the more prominent and defining traits I have been both lauded for, and lambasted and punished over.
Loyalty, for me, is a reasonable trait, both selfless and self serving, people who have shown me good will, favor, and kindness, as well as loyalty itself, tend to earn my deeper investment, and my commitment to them, and for myself, the idea of betrayal is anathema of the worst kind, no possible gain of any kind could ever be worth such a thing, the down payment of betrayal is something I am not willing to pay, yet it is also my observation that when I withdraw this from the table, it is a shock to the system for both myself, and others whom have grown accustomed to leaning upon my Loyalty, for both good and ill.
I would point out to such persons, that if or when the time comes where I recant my stated or exampled Loyalty, the question of why becomes rather much central.
It is a question I have only once in my life, heard another ask, and it was done so, to my great disappointment, indirectly.

Brave,
As often as I am accused of being Brave, I am equally confused as to why such an adjective seems fitting.
Bravery is clearly defined as being scared, but finding the will to act anyway, and the simple fact is that it is a rare thing indeed for me to be scared much of anything or anyone.
Foolish or ignorant or even uncaring of any possible danger is how I would qualify myself, needlessly fearless even, which is ironic to me, given how acutely aware of danger and cautious my natural mindset tends to be, yet as a result, I am also by nature canny in picking and choosing when and how I will act, after estimating whatever risk and benefit there is to be had.
I could not in good conscious thought ever attribute myself as being brave, but rather some odd mixture of calculating and reckless, if I had to put a label upon it. "Like a wolf, or a fox" is how I have repeatedly heard others describe it.


Strong,
Once more, as I have previously stated, confusion is my initial reaction to such a comment about me, mostly because I count it as a part of the whole of my person, in conjunction with all of the previously mentioned attributes.
Stalwart, or resolute are the words I would personally use, if not enduring, as I am intimately aware of my capacity to take punishment and to endure the blows life deals, yet I do think to encompass all of this, and see it as the core of who or what I am or may be.
Self serving or even selfegrandizing as it might be, I am proud of myself for being such things, at a base level, even when I am confused when others point it out, as if it was some rare or great thing, or even just a small thing they do not, or cannot see in themselves or others. That actually makes me a bit sad.

Gentle,
This is one attribute that I can and do acknowledge and accept, if only because I take such great pains and efforts to emulate it and behave as such a thing would dictate.
Senseless and pointless destruction or violence bothers me, wastefulness without a goal or a point, even if it is arguably a trivial one, frustrates and disgusts me, so when other people show such an easy acceptance or glib capacity for cruelty or waste, I am repulsed, and emboldened to be gentle and thoughtful.
I also fully believe that the true character of a person, and more so a man, is revealed in how he interacts with anyone or anything that is helpless when put before him.
Monsters, predators really, consume and destroy without thought because it is in their nature to do so.
A civilized, or good person, and again, more so a man, does not.

Charatable,
One of the earliest traits I can recall being observed about me by others, and one I did not fully realize until much later, is how generous and charitable I can be.
When I have a surplus, I find that I dislike hording it, and my natural proclivity crops up, passing on whatever sort of wealth I have, to others who seem to be, or appear to be, in need.
I think this is due to me empathising so readily with others, by thinking about how I would like to be treated, and then exampling it to the people around me.
Kindness rarely costs us more than a little time and effort, and even when it does cost us more, I find that aside from rare exceptions, it is always worth it in the end, for both parties.

Passionate,
Another trait that I have heard mentioned, that I fully accept and embrace, is my ability to have and express great passion, for both things, and people, from art, to my family, to the achievements of others, when something resonates with me, when I take delight in it, I find myself giving more and more of my energies to it, to enjoying it, some times to an excess, and so it is something that I am learning to guard myself in, not to deny myself or the thing, but to protect myself, and even others from my occasional overindulgence in the things I take joy from.

Insightful,
A matter of great internal debate for me, possibly no more than in the recent years of my life, is my ability, or at least my default setting, to analyze and pick apart and theorize and estimate.
A problem solver at heart, I do my best work when things go wrong, but I have also shown an apparent talent for predicting, with some not unreasonable accuracy, things before they happen, even if only in broad strokes.
Even so, recent major events in my life have kept me humble in my efforts, and I am once again, baffled in the comments of others when pertaining to my insight and perspective in things as they happen, or after they happen, or before they happen, yet the observations of my insight still yet abound.
If only I had insight as to why.

Blunt,
And?
Honestly, this is likely one of my most favorite personal traits, if only because of the brutal economy it can afford me, when I find myself dealing with a particularly large subset of personalities in my life, I take solace in my drive to be as honest and direct as possible, if only to save time, if not to dispel any false pretenses or inaccurate premises surrounding any particular situation.
My inclination towards honesty seems to keep me in the habit of being so direct, and given the ever degrading social norms of the last few decades, it seems refreshing to others for me to be so very plain and straightforward.
While I care not if it makes things easier for others, I do admit to understanding why it might simplify things for them, since it simplifies things for me to not sugar coat or obscure things, even if I am reticent to share every single thing I know or think, I am always willing to share some of it, raw, unfiltered and directly.

Caustic,
Sadly, due to the most recent factor, I have also been called unfeeling or caustic towards others.
This is due to the fact that I simply cannot be bothered expend the energy to do more than simply understand how others may think or feel, because I also cannot spare the energy or effort to offend with intent, yet because of this I also know that many times, I come across as caustic or offensive to others when I apply the direct method of which I am most fond, and also when this is taken in conjunction with me total lack of care for how or what others may think.
I simply do not have the time or energy to spare for it, not because I lack empathy, but because my natural level of empathy, is so normatively exhausting for me to corral.

Angry,
This... is complicated, if only because of how intricate a human personality can be, and how convoluted an endeavor (as clearly exampled by this whole blog I think) it is to break down a personality into small, bite sized bits.
I had temper issues in my childhood, which I quickly and rightly became ashamed of, and in my youth and young adulthood, I strove to bring to heel, and as such, I developed a method for managing my anger that is terribly simple; I let it go.
I gripe, or vent my frustrations easily, then move on as if it never happened.
For instances where my anger is truly aroused and awakened, I hold it tightly, and articulate it as carefully and accurately as possible, in the effort to keep it from spilling over or causing damage that might not be easily undone or repaired.
I am not always successful, but I can say with honesty, and more than a little proof, that my failures are far fewer than my successes.
My lack of an arrest record and a clear conscience being the most obvious arguments to support this.

Narcissistic,
This one bothers me greatly.
Mostly, because everyone I've ever known who has leveled this accusation at me, has done so out of two distinct places, that are, I have only just realized at the time of writing this, connected, feeding one into the other, more often than not; projection, and ignorance.
Hypocrisy and self-deception mandate the accusation of another, of the very thing oneself is most guilty of being.
If you are dishonest, then to protect yourself, and hurt another, you MUST accuse them of being a liar.
Part of classical narcissism is most simply defined as casting blame on others for things one has done, which is why I see the accusation of narcissism as a sort of tell or signpost that exposes the heart of my accuser for what or where it is, which is usually a place of need, to feed or soothe the ego, to escape blame for ones own choices and actions, and to claim some level of victimhood where none exists, or to over inflate any or all of the previously mentioned aspects as a method to insulate oneself from consequence.
As I am a staunch believer in personal responsibility, honesty, and do not hold myself in any great esteem, do not lay claim nor seek any grandiose status, and care little for what most others think of me, I cannot fathom any legitimate reason for anyone to honestly accuse me of such behaviour, outside of attempting to distract from their own.
At the very least, I think this is accurate, as I have yet to hear a consistent, logical, and reasonable counterpoint that could be proven by anyone who truly takes the time to know me.

Arrogant,
Another observation of myself that bothers me, if only because I know that there are times that it has been true, I can only say in my defense that I do not wish to ever be arrogant or needlessly prideful of who I am, and that I do try not to overestimate who I am, and finally that I always strive to be honest with myself and my attributes, both good and bad.

Selfish,
Of all the negative observations I have heard about myself, this one seems to me, to be the most contextual, in that much like the previously mentioned narcissistic claim, it always seems to be lobbed at me by someone who is in fact exampling such behaviour towards me, or at the least, as a rebuff to me when I do so rarely show such actions or choices as to indicate a level of self-interest that may inconvenience another, no matter how trivially.
There are a very few things by which I will hold tightly too or readily fight over, and they are things I value highly, and selfish or not, on the rare occasion I do, the question I always ask others at such times is simply "wouldn't you?" and that usually ends the discussion.

Old Fashioned,
For this, I personally take it as a compliment, even though it is mostly used as an insult.
Open minded as I am, I am also honestly, slow to change, and as such I clearly see and understand that sometimes, the old ways are the best, if only because on some basic level, they fucking work, and for me, that's all that matters.

Ignorant,
This is yet another complicated attribute, if only because we are all, as people, ignorante of something, and while my naturally inquisitive mind seeks information and knowledge, no one can possibly know everything, and as such, yes, there are times I am very ignorant, but I am not willfully so, and I am most assuredly not proud of it when I am, and I forever am seeking ways to remedy it when I find it to be true.

Unyielding,
Stiffnecked, willful, stubborn. Yes, I am, and I am well aware of it, and truth be told, I am at times proud of it. Yet I am also aware of when it is the wrong thing to do or be, and as such I do endevor to widen my gaze, and take pains to yield when I find it to be the right thing to do.

Brutal,
I wholly own this, because as I have mentioned before in commenting on previous traits related to this, I am who and what I am, for some very good reasons, and in the end, when I find myself in certain types of conflicts, I hold true to the idea that the most humane, kind and civilized way to handle such events, is to overwhelm my opponent, to attempt to bring the conflict to a quick close, so as to shorten the time of suffering, since I think drawing it out needlessly is masochistic and detestable.
Therefone, when I feel that a situation calls for it, I am brutal, and I do not shy away from this.

Misogynistic,
Realizing that men and women are more alike than not, and that there are in fact distinctions and differences between males and females, and that they are few, yet weighty and very fucking (in every possible application of the word) important, and that as such, they need to be considered and understood, does not mean one should see a gender as superior to another, far from it.
For myself, it only further underscores the idea of "equal but different" and how true that is, and it is why I can say that men are better at some things than women, and vice versa.
Because its very plain that we are meant to fill differing roles at differing times, and that we are meant to compliment one another, rather than compete with one another.
Yet, for some illogical, distasteful, insulting reason that no one has ever been able to articulate for me without the words "hate" or "envy" or "oppression" or "patriarchy" I am somehow labeled as a misogynist by so called "educated" or "enlightened" or "woke" individuals for my admittedly old fashioned yet upgraded views.
Too bad I can't be bothered to give even half a fuck.


Childish,
What is the point of being an adult if you cannot sometimes be a little childish?
Given levels of maturity I've been accused of since I was 12, I honestly am incapable of commenting further on this observation.

Cruel,
Usually partnered "Brutal", "Selfish", or "Angry" I don't think I need to comment further on this beyond the following: "I only treat others as they treat me, after I grow tired of my efforts to do better have been ignored."



Such is what others have said of me, and how I would reply to them, here and now.

This having all been said, I end now with this: I now, and for some time, have always had in mind, the higher good, for myself, and for others, and in more recent years, I have endeavored to behave in such a fashion as to grow the positive and shrink the negative traits that I have observed, yet I do not claim to have any advantage in doing so over anyone else, I'm just doing good to work on me, even as I estimate and appraise others, I have learned not to compare myself today, to someone else tomorrow, but rather to seek to be better than myself yesterday.

If you take this as in insult, then I must clarify that it is wholly upon you to bear that burden, I'm doing good just to carry my own.